Crystal Castles

very tempted to buy a flight to Portland to catch these two in action in March!

~



Quote by artist Jonah Freeman

on what he has learned about the art world...

"4. Stay up late - that's when things get done." - The Selby

So very true! Many a times I am up until 3am because my creative side seems to function better in the wee morning hours and I can crank out a shitload of work. I wish I could sleep during the day to play and be creative at night.

Most Recent Thrift Finds...

Couroc serving piece 

~

Owl detailing 

~

Lithograph print

~

Friday I was Sanctified. I went out with my gay friend Khahn to meet up with his boy-toy and friend in tow at Club Sanctum. Friday nights they host Goth Night, but I guess this is also a gay club in general (my friend likes to refer to it as Club Rectum..that is not the name I have given it however). I've gone to Goth Night at a different club before, Transylvania, but I guess that place no longer hosts goth events so it's moved to Sanctum. 

I must admit, I had a great time. I'm by no means goth at all. If anything, I looked a little hippie in my pink flower dress (we were also supposed to have gone to another club that evening but we were having a little too much fun at Sanctum that we had scratched that idea out). Who cares though, because not once did I feel out of place with these people. I was actually out on the dance floor dancing away (Goth music sounds like the darker versions of '80s music, like Depeche Mode etc.) to goth in my pink lil' dress and didn't give two shits about anything else.

striving to be more creative and apply

I'll be starting on a new series of botanical drawings.

Scientific realism and the Earth's nature have been inspiring.

~

Work by Mali Moir

Doryanthes Palmeri

Spear Lilly

the name of my eyeshadow today is called Seashell.

it makes me feel beautiful.

i like that.

having 4 of your wisdom teeth pulled out SUUUCCKKSSS...

If my drawing teacher doesn't like these, then I don't know who the f- will.

Feeling Like the Biggest Failure

why do I suck, and why am I so fucked up?

How To Be Alone

Brian from the Silversun Pickups turned me on to this.

I hit the market after work and was shopping in the tea aisle when a very hot employee of the store asked if I needed help.
Just browsing..
He then wanted to pursue conversation and asked what kind of tea I drink.
I mentioned I wanted to change up the style since I've been bored of my jasmine green, and then he went into a 15 minute description of a home brew he grew up with.
Cinnamon black tea spiked with honey.
Sounds delicious, I must try.
He showed me where the cinnamon sticks were located and told me to tell him next time how it tastes.
We said bye with a high-five.

Excitement in the Air with New Beginnings Trailing Behind!

Sunday evening was a very good evening.
One that caught me completely off guard and by surprise.
Yet I felt I was in the most natural state of my being.
Something that has been missing for a long time now.
And it was very inviting, and exciting!
~
I have decided to open up a little shop on Etsy.com to start selling my artwork and home decor designs, along with vintage clothing and accessories here and there.
I'm very excited and hope to have it take off soon!
Ciao!

I would like a cat to name it Yoko.

~

The other day I woke up so late for work there was no time to shower so I went to work unshowered and felt like a sad dirty girl all day.

Goal Updates

 

• finish burning all my cd's into my iTunes and file them away in my new cd mass-case  
• photograph for my portfolio started! just need some more images :)
• submit my application to the California College of Arts, The Art Institute of Chicago, and The Academy of Art University by January (including my portfolio)
• finish painting and sanding my wooden rocking chair
• finish decorating the walls of my room
• finish all hand-washing laundry
• begin re-designing the living room design layout accomplished! now to re-arrange!
• begin spray painting the coffee table that will be moved out to the patio. Add a tile mosaic surface after painting.
• build resume
• finish reading The Town and The City by Jack Kerouac
• Finish reading STIFF: the curious lives of human cadavers by Mary Roach
• get past the introduction of and finish reading Moments of Being by Virginia Woolf
• go to Jerome to visit Cody to discuss my tattoo
• get my right tragus pierced
• buy Nike Free's and start trail running
• sign up for the PF Chang's Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon in January
• order polaroid film
• photograph and sell my vintage TOD's purse on Ebay
• buy a bike light
• take out roomie's sewing machine and start a new project.
• put together a drawing folder
• organize photo folders 1/2 way done!
• gather You reminders to ship off to photographer
• buy my Built to Spill, Pepper, & Godsmack ticket! Decided not to buy the Built to Spill or Godsmack shows due to classes & monies.
• buy English textbook

feeling unfulfilled

Lately I feel really unfulfilled.
Although I feel I am finally accomplishing things/tasks I've been meaning to accomplish for a long time now, there is still an empty space in me.
Seeing photos of an old friend who I used to be best friends with for three years but then she decided she no longer wanted to be friends was heartbreaking.
To this day I still don't understand why she no longer wanted to be friends.
Not knowing why has left a questionable mark on who I am as a person - even though this was years ago.
-
Am I a selfish person?
Do I not give enough of myself to others?
Is it wrong to want time for myself, to be alone, to work on things I enjoy rather than have to give every single day to someone else?
Is this why I can't find my other half?
Have I been unknowingly selfish all my life to pursue my interests after so long of putting them off for others?
-
All I want to do is run and Run and RUN.
Running has been so calming for me.
I did 14 miles over the weekend - 4 fri, 5 sat, 5 sun.
Sunday really should have been a cross-train day but I didn't run Thurs to rest my achy leg.
My body is finally enjoying all this running, even though sometimes I hurt like hell afterwards, the freedom to run is magnificent!
I enjoy more running among the line of waiting cars backed up in traffic with the people cheering me on.
It really helps me to keep pushing along.
-
Am I sabotaging myself not allowing someone to get close to my heart?
Those who I do consider allowing are only liars, or not genuinely interested.
That's why it feels better to be alone.
-
I finally gathered all Your stuff this weekend and off I will ship it to the Photographer for his project.
-
I'm overwhelmed. I feel I don't have enough time in my day for everything that must get done.
I wish I could skip sleep for like 4 days in a row and still function normally.
I'm juggling full-time work, marathon training, raw eating (which requires meal prep everyday), my campus classes (drawing and photography), my online class, my case, keeping up maintenance on my relationships.
Can personal-self life be even considered in this category?
I hate feeling like a bad friend, a bad student, a bad daughter, a bad employee.
I think my training and healthy eating is the only things working at keeping depression at bay for the moment.
-
I wish I could be so much more than what I am now.

Wow, Someone totally made my day!
Never before has this happened to me - and of all things a Black Keys 2010 poster.
How freakin' awesome is that ?!
Just when I thought it best to abandon all reason to continue this rendezvous, this comes along.
I couldn't be any happier right now.
~
Running update of last week:
-didn't run Thursday because I planned a hike for Friday morning.
-didn't hike Friday morning because it was drizzling and that would spell terrible hike
-long run along the canal: 7 miles. Realized listening to a power song that really gets me going helps me pick up my pace. Felt like I could have kept on running after I finished.
-instead of cross train Sunday I wanted to get another run in for the week since I missed Thursday's, so a quick 3-miler it was along my neighborhood. Maybe it wasn't the best idea after that 7 miler since my legs were dying, but I did it!

Today: It'll be a 3 miler around the track, I may do 4 though. Really excited to run!

Disappointed

Yes, this is how I am feeling this morning.

My hair straightener is shot.
The blender I bought sucks and the smoothie I made is chunky and hard to stomach after so much.
By bulimic/anorexic ways are creeping back in.
I am having a lack of motivation for school. Only somewhat though.
I do not want to date.
Nor do I want to put my time and energy into casually dating/getting to know someone.
They just always seem to disappoint and only want to play games.
I am disappointed in my money-management. I love how I just got paid and all my money is gone already.
I hate feeling fat.

Sad Day

Today was a sad day.
I was so excited to get a run in after work, but while running my legs, top and bottom, were aching so badly.
Like it felt like it was in my bones. :(
I'm really worried about training for the marathon as a raw vegan.
I want to make sure I'm getting all the essential nutrients that I need for my muscles to recovery quickly.
But I kind of feel like they're not.
I know running on pavement is also not helping, but sad as it is, the actual race will be on pavement and asphalt, so I might as well train on it now I guess.
My knees ache.
My quads ache.
Am I not strong enough for this?
I hike and hit the gym often - consecutively since April.
But my legs have always been my trouble spot when it comes toning them.
So am I just using the muscles that have been hard for me to hit?
I really googled this when I got back from my run.
I was on the verge of tears because it was so frustrating to want to run but physically I couldn't.
I was even pissed off because I saw someone running in vibrams and I thought:
"what the fuck?! you are fat and you can gracefully run in these and I can't?!"
Sad day for me.
If I could, I would be running in my vibrams.
But the last time I did I wasn't able to last long, and I think I stress fractured something in my foot because I was unable to workout for the next few days.
And I really rather not risk that happening again.

Another problem is, I never feel like eating anymore.
I find I have less of an appetite right after I run, but that is when I should eat the most I know, to help repair my muscles quickly.
Unfortunately winter time sucks when it comes to raw food.
I was this close...
THIS CLOSE I tell you... to eat Chipotle tonight because I was just too exhausted to prepare a meal, even though I know I've been dying for salad lately....
Literally, dying.

It was a sad day for Kat at work also.
But yesterday was a good day because I had another lunch date :)
Except I guess that might have been awful because I just talked and talked and spill all my secrets, and then he tells me that he thinks it's cute that I do this, or that.
And he tells me that I look adorable in my outfit, that I always look nice....
And he mentioned I glow (from my vegan ways).
And I just feel myself blush and get so nervous
and really I was thinking I glow only because I'm freakin' sweating across the table from being so nervous..
But I really like that he said I glow...that's the best complement I think I've ever received really.
I really like that.
For reals.

a draft post that was never posted - SURPRISE!

The day started off bad, but it's progressively gotten better...

After I had that smoke.
Yes, i've picked up smoking.
Cigars, not cigarettes mind you. I would like to stay nicotine free.
I used to smoke hookah often with some Persian friends of mine, but since we've stopped hanging out as of January of this year, I've really been craving and missing hookah.
How nice would it be if they invented a hookah cigarette? (nicotine free please!)
The other night though I stopped by CVS and felt super shady buying my first pack of cigars.
I told the attendant, who had some crazy awful gold blonde split beard going on that looked like fangs hanging off his chin, I want to smoke something, but not cigarettes. No nicotine.
So he directed me to some pure tobacco mini cigars that come from the Dominican, or maybe Cuba, I haven't really looked yet.. but I like them.
I sat on my patio that evening working on the chair I'm painting and smoked about half of one.

So this morning I had super anxiety and all I could think was, I need to get out of here to smoke!!! lunch couldn't have waited around any longer so I snuck out to catch a smokie. I puffed one on my drive home but A) felt super embarrassed to be smoking in public (WTF?!) and B) I smoked in my car with my windows partially rolled down but the smoke ended up stinking up my hair, clothes and car! Sad face.
I did some quick teeth brushing because a smokey mouth is a no-no.

Lookie Lookie!

National Geographic sends me all these cool photos because I'm cool like that. Subscribe to their newsletters and you may become cool too.

I'm gonna see this one day in real life (aka it's in NC, shh!).

~

So last night I sent a text to someone I thought was a friend.

they replied with "You flatter yourself on both counts".

Fuck I was pissed.

I sent them the message with high hopes of them understanding what I meant.

I wanted to retaliate with a FUCK YOU but instead fueled the anger into the portrait illustration I was working on in class that evening, letting my mind simmer down a bit and think out the fabulous sentence structure of how I would reply.

They didn't respond after I replied to their remark.

To state bluntly, I pointed out their stupidity in interpreting the message as self-flattery and apologized for holding high regards of their intelligence because clearly they don't have much.

My mistake.

BUUUTTT, this mistake also slapped me in the face, saying WAKE THE F- UP! Get that shit out of your closet and mail it to that photographer!

~

Marathon training has been awesome!

I ran a total of a little over 17 miles last week.

That is such an accomplishment for me in itself as I have never run that much before in one week.

I did a six miler along the canal from The Biltmore golf course to 44th St and back.

I forgot the knee brace I use for my right kneecap and was a little worried about how I would perform, but the run was so comfortable (great early morning weather helps!) I think I stopped 2-3 times very briefly to help walk out my calves because I still had a bit soreness in the from my weeks' runs. I'm really excited to run again tonight since yesterday was a rest day.

Sunday was cross-training day and the training guide recommends NOT doing anything that would require calve work which I now understand why because I decided to get my weekend hike in which resulted in my calves feeling like they were going to explode with every step of the hike I took.

But the + side is that my legs are feeling sexy awesome!

Tonight will be a 3 miler, tomorrow 4, and then Thursday another 3.

Saturday will be 7 miles this week, which really shouldn't feel much more longer than the 6 I did this past Saturday, which I think I ran in 1:05:00 roughly.

If only the stupid Nike+iPod track system would work that I dropped thirty bucks on..

But I am loving my shoes more with every run I do!

I am going to treat myself 3 weeks prior to race day with brand new ones in the red design that I originally wanted.

So excited for this race!!

Thursday I ran 3.49 miles, Mon 4.03, and Tuesday of last week 3.54 miles.

And ok, I just mapped my run using MapMyRun.com for my 6 miler and it was really 5.39.

Sad face.

Mapquest sucks at mapping apparently.

~

Funny conversations I had yesterday over email:

Subject: legs mc gillicutty!

M: MY DIAGNOSIS..................I think leg bruising will eventually lead to neurosis...LOL!!

LEG BRUISING
Blunt trauma
Coagulopathy
Anticoagulant medications
Venous insufficiency
Bacterial septicaemia (see Blood infection)
Deep vein thrombosis
Spinal fracture
Leg injury
Thrombocytopenia
ITP
Leukaemia
Child abuse
Scurvy
Cushing syndrome
Skin fragility in the elderly
Read more at http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/symptoms/leg_bruise/causes.htm?ktrack=kcplink
Me: hahaha, this is so wrong to laugh at, but how is it that leukaemia and child abuse are even in the same category?! HAHA
so I tried kicking my guilty habit this weekend but I failed. Saturday night I was biking home from drinks with friends and thought, hm, I'm going to smoke the last half of that one cigarillo I have. Then I was disgusted afterwards and thought This is so gross that I'm smoking. So I tossed them in the trash full of paper in my room, but then thought Wait, I may want those some day..but left them in the trash. So Sunday afternoon i'm like What the hell was I thinking?! That 5 pack was $4! and I go and retrieve them. haha!

Subject: what are you doing

M: for lunch? I dont want to go eat a bunch of food cuz I am trying to detox from the fatty weekend but I wanna get the helly outta the building and walk around :O and maybe smoke some cigarellos :O JK! hahahahahaha! you are funny! I want to go yell at homeless people and throw my egg shells at cars...that is my lunch a hard boiled egg..growse...that truly is the growsest thing anyone could eat....with its little yolk that thinks it is something special cuz its in the middle! Have you heard from tech boy?

Me: It's dollar day at Salvation Army! want to gooo?? and if it sucks we can go grab cHaI'S.

M: Yes....Yes I do!!! so I guess no one likes my laugh...supposedly...thats what the girls said when they got back from lunch.... so stop with the laugh making...You are getting me in trouble. hahaha! There are many things that I would like for a dollar from thrift store.. I need perhaps half a package of lee press on nails or some of that old eye liner that I could use to write on the bathroom of the bar some things about other peoples body parts or a necklace that works better as a choking hazard than jewelry....oh the things I could buy...no but serious I live for thrift and I am just being a smart ass cuz I am antsy...like an ant!

Me: What?! really they told you that?? I love your laugh! it's better than their's! haha, jk (wait, actually I"m not) haha :) UM, I really shouldn't be spending money, but it's a dollar I guess, so hopefully that dollar doesn't add up to fifteen dollars because then I would be a sad girl :( Lee press on nails, haha! I used to use those too and thought I was so cool! (you still feel really cool though with press on nails because you look at the other girls with acrylics and think, haha, my nails wont be all f-d up when these bad boys come off! ) we'll go when ---- comes back from eating her bag of pretzels and racking up a long-distance convo with the hubster.

YEAH! (I picture like those japanese anime girls jumping in the air and shouting that, like sailor moon. I used to love that show! haha, guilty pleasure :)
M: I think that the sign in the bathroom about the mammogram should show the boob getting squished in the machine...for some reason I think that it makes it much more fun! Like woohoo! <--also with a sailor moon jump...haha what is it about japan cartoon characters...so much more attractive than others. I think kat had those videos..AWESOME.....I liked power puff girls too cuz they made boys explode by kissing them. I wish I could do that except I'd have to kiss boys first to get them to explode and that is a chore on its own...hahaha!

I know I want a pretzel everytime I walk into the breakroom and I don't even eat pretzels....

~

Weekend update:

Friday I was delirious at work due to lack of sleep all week and bodily exhaustion from throwing myself into training so as much as I wanted to call friends up to go out and such, I told myself to hit the sack at 7pm, and I slept until 7am Saturday morning. That's when I decided I felt refreshed enough to get up and go hit that 6 miler.

After my run I had some film to develop from the photo shoot I did of my roomie, then come home to quickly eat, shower, get ready, and bike to Postino's down the street for drinks and dinner with friends. In bed by 11pm.

Sunday I got up around 9am and geared up for my hike, then did an hour of weights at the gym, followed by some grocery shopping, eating, then visiting the fam. We decided to take the dogs to the dog park but lo and behold they had just watered the lawn so there were a million freakin' mosquitoes everywhere and I got like a bazillion bites all over my legs now. Sad face.

I picked up some great finds at a yard sale Saturday morning! This great long 4-shelf black wood bookcase for $20, a bag of about 45 silk scarves for $15, some leather belts, a tan men's button-up, and a b&w photo. Yay! :)

*I need to turn this blog into thrift purchases - so much good stuff I have found this year alone! I refuse to shop anywhere else now except thrifts!

~

Getting super nervous for my little lunch date!

Today is a historic day for me!

I was able to fit into a skirt that I have not been able to wear in over a year!

I couldn't pull it up over my ass because it had grown too large.

But now I'm wearing it!!!

The skirt is also significant to me because it is one of my favorite skirts, and one of the only pieces of clothing that I still own from my very first H&M visit which was in Paris, France.

Back from 2005.

That's 2005!!
That was 5 years ago people! My high school days!

I'm happy to report that I have been shrinking, which is a grand feeling after having been busting my ass for the last six months. But I'm not finished yet! There's still more to go! :)

Yesterday was my first official training day for my marathon coming up in January.

I really was supposed to take Monday off as a rest day according to the schedule, but I had decided I wanted to run prior to discovering and committing to this schedule.

Plus I ate Chipotle and felt like shit and wanted to burn it out of me.

I ran about 4.1 miles in 45 minutes, so about 10:97 is my time right now per minute. I was also held up by 3 streetlights.

I think that's pretty good, BUT it can and will get better :)

lesson learned

• Never deny an offered sweater for a cold bike ride home from a really hot guy. He's obviously going to want it back, especially after stating how it's his favorite hoodie and he'll let you borrow it for your ride home.

I am kicking myself for not accepting it.

My roommate brought home a dog last night.
I don't think I'm ready for this.
I feel like I gave birth to a child and now this thing will be attached to me forever.
Mentally I'm not ready for this.
~
Last night I went to see Phantogram - Awesome show!
and rather than it being at a large venue, it was at our local dive Rips.
Luckily I now live close so I was able to bike my way over, but then when I asked the "security/parking attendant" where there was a bike rack, some douchebags walking by started laughing at me.
But whatever assholes, I won't be getting the DUI.
Oh, and the highlight of the show was when the midget behind me started to slightly hold on to my waist and try and grind with me while I was grooving out. At first it really weirded me out and I stopped dancing, but then later I just didn't care and thought it quite funny because this guy was so short my ass must have been rubbing his chest.
Quite hilarious I thought.
And listening to the opener before Phantogram, Josiah Wolf, made me really sad and I actually started to tear up a bit and for a moment and thought I was going to break down (sometimes I can be an emotional drunk). It was reminding me of someone.
~
I ran 4.2 miles yesterday on the bridal path. For the most part it was comfortable and I was really enjoying my run, but it started getting dark fast since I went after work. On my run back about 1/2 ways my right knee cap was starting to feel a bit irritated. I'll have to start bringing my brace to last for longer runs.
~
Ok, now for some pictures!

some of my work lately!

-

crazy storm Phoenix experienced this past week! this is my work view.

there were 4 tornadoes that hit northern AZ, crazy!

-

Ok, and now for some Black Keys! These are from my SD/LA trip, BUUTTT... I don't have photos from the Palladium night because that was my rock star experience..

-

and then this lil' guy was outside my work window one day

I'm running a 1/2 marathon in January!
The PF Chang's Rock n' Roll Marathon.
I'm excited to pick up running.

These are my new schnazzy shoes!! The Nike Frees Run+

Last night I tried them out and ran 3.52 miles in them.
Pretty much pain free the entire time. But I think when I do start training for longer runs I'll have to wear my knee brace.

I Feel Really Happy

For now at the moment at least. :)

I just finished the entire Chipotle veggie salad bowl I picked up for lunch and two tortillas. Insane!
I've never finished off an entire bowl and not feel stuffed.
But I hadn't eaten since like 6:30pm of yesterday when I ate a light dinner because I had decided that today for lunch it would be OK to eat a vegan cooked meal today.

As much as I try and stick to a 100% raw diet, I do believe and have learned with time that life needs to be enjoyable in all aspects. And if one day I'm somewhere and offered a vegan chocolate-chip cookie, then damn straight I will eat that cookie. I believe in indulgences. It keeps you sane. Otherwise it's chaotic madness in your brain because you want something so badly and you keep telling yourself no, which I've actually learned makes you want it even more. It's OK to say yes to things at times. Sometimes just telling myself, Yes, I can eat this, will make me no longer want it.
People usually want the forbidden. So just allow it.

Plus I was OK with eating Chipotle for lunch because not only will it get rid of my craving, but I will be working out after class this evening, so I'll have the opportunity to burn all the calories I've consumed today.

I've been feeling really creative and full of inspiration lately. More so than normal I should say at least.
Here's a list of projects I want to start or already am in the middle of:

• finish burning all my cd's into my iTunes and file them away in my new cd mass-case
• photograph for my portfolio
• submit my application to the California College of Arts, The Art Institute of Chicago, and The Academy of Art University by January (including my portfolio)
• finish painting and sanding my wooden rocking chair
• finish decorating the walls of my room
• finish all hand-washing laundry
• begin re-designing the living room
• begin spray painting the coffee table that will be moved out to the patio. Add a tile mosaic surface after painting.
• build resume
• finish reading The Town and The City by Jack Kerouac
• Finish reading STIFF: the curious lives of human cadavers by Mary Roach
• get past the introduction of and finish reading Moments of Being by Virginia Woolf
• go to Jerome to visit Cody to discuss my tattoo
• get my right tragus pierced
• buy Nike Free's and start trail running
• sign up for the PF Chang's Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon in January
• order polaroid film
• photograph and sell my vintage TOD's purse on Ebay
• buy a bike light
• apply for a second weekend job
• take out roomie's sewing machine and start a new project.
• put together a drawing folder
• organize photo folders
• gather You reminders to ship off to photographer
• buy my Built to Spill, Pepper, & Godsmack ticket!
• find a used copy of my English textbook

Whew! Quite a list! But I love seeing long lists of things to accomplish because it really motivates you to get them done within a time frame, which usually excites me to start/finish the next goal. I was up until 1:30am last night working on copying music to my iTunes. Thank you rain for cancelling my class and plans for the evening, otherwise I don't know when I would have started that project!

Turned in my first portfolio for life drawing. I was short one gesture, which I along with others had misunderstood what she exactly was requesting, so I received an entire letter grade lower. a B. I'll post photos a bit later of my work! I'm actually quite proud of how well the came out (to my standards at least).

I came across a nasty article Marie Claire magazine wrote up on 6 foodie & exercise bloggers, claiming they are unhealthy, promoting unhealthy eating through their blogs, and that they have or had an eating/mental disorder regarding food at some point. After reading the article I clicked the link to one of the bloggers to find out for myself. Here she is, Caitlin, and I actually like her blog and think her eating habits are quite healthy for her and enjoy reading about her running experiences. So thank you, I guess, Marie Claire, because your bashing made me curios and turned me on to a new blog!

Here's the Marie Claire article if you're interested.
After reading it I could tell that Marie Claire is just jealous of the healthy eating habits of regular exercisers ;)

Vermont

Here are some photos for your enjoyment of one of the many places I will live in someday.

Reminds me of my childhood playhouse.

I would love to live hidden deep in the forest.

I would like to live here, where open roads lead to nothingness, and seasons actually exist.

I want to wake up to mornings like this.

I need to be around mountains.

I would like a sun room some day.

Fresh fruit growing in abundance in my backyard would be heaven!

Such a beautiful image.

I love me a Victorian house.

What I Have Been Doing

my L.A. trip was awesome! Such a crazy fun time. And the Black Keys kicked ass. The SOMA venue was sick, and the Palladium will surely be an experience I will always remember.

How do you escape a ghost from your past?

This dark shadow hoovers and clings to my back,

Refusing to let me go.

-

Everyone talks to me about You.

Like I care anymore though!

I've learned to not care and even hate Your being for shelter for myself.

It all has felt like a slap in the face,

A bitch slap who's sting has lasted for 3 years.

-

Are you going to go see Their show tonight?

No I'm not going to fucking go to Their show.

-

You never escape my mind regardless.

And as much as I want to and long to see you play again,

I would only be stabbing myself with a thousand deaths once more if I'm to see you again.

Especially with You're new love, even though I've been told you talk about me from time to time.

-

What the fuck does this all mean??

I'm someone who believes in meanings behind events in life..

-

It feels like I'll never live this down.

I feel like I've brought this all upon myself

I two-timed,

But then at times it feels life plays it's course for a reason,

And I try and be optimistic and believe in this.

But You really are the underlying conscience to every single thought that exists in my mind.

days & days on end..

I think about writing, but then the thought just makes me lazy about it.

~

I wish I could be that Lady now:

where I am when I'm 30

after my schooling is over

I've started living my career as a photographer

I'm married

I'm where I want to be.

The road to getting there is long and at times tough and lonely.

~

I need to focus, FOCUS.

Be a better student.

~

I need my wisdom teeth pulled out.

Tooth sensitivity sucks.

~

I've been enjoying reading more than anything lately.

I want to read the entire Dr. Eliot's Harvard Classics collection.

I like feeling smart.

~

Next weekend I road trip out to California for The Black Keys back to back!

~

OH! 

and I had THE BEST shopping experience of Goodwill in my life so far!

Scored about 25 items all for $86, which I slightly felt guilty about..

but c'mon, when you buy what I bought at Goodwill, there's no way you can feel guilty about it.

Plus it was 50% off day - can't beat that!

a BCBG trench coat

Banana Republic Dress

Anne Taylor 'Barbie' Dress

Cuban leather school girl sandals

Blue retro Keds

Retro red and pink Nike's

Sequined blue dress

Straw Hat

Wool blue hat

purse

large white canvas carry-on

4 flower tea cups (British style)

Pink Pumps

grey wool skirt

a black coat

a brown 'camel hair' coat

an exact replica of my old favorite red velvet coat that was cut off of me when I was strapped down to a stretcher in the hospital after my first accident/rollover. 

So pissed they did that...

SO MUCH GOOD STUFF!!

~

Pictures will come later, I'll have to wait for the weekend to post.

~

I finally tried America's Taco Shop

had a bean burrito with some pico and avocado slices in it,

So Good, all vegan but still made me feel like total shit and made my body retreat into a downer mood.

Trying to get out of that.

I should have never got it but I caved in for some carbs after weeks of intense workouts.

But I just feel it back-fired all the progress I had made.

Oh well now I guess, I just keep trudging along with those workouts.

I've definitely lost weight since last summer and am feeling better than ever though, so that goes to prove that all those calories burned have been good for something!

this is not a pity-post, but the honest truth.

I have been feeling sad.

A lot lately.

I have had no desire to blog.

Or do anything that I usually enjoy.

I hope to see a counselor soon on depression and anxiety.

I have had it for years, and constantly drift in and out of it.

It's no fun.

Mango Overload

I've consumed 9 mangos in three days.

That's a lot of mango!

I have been feeling my best in over a year - health/nutritional wise.

Absolutely no cooked cravings anymore whatsoever!

Not even vegan chocolate chip cookies :)

This past weekend we went to Olive Garden for my sister's birthday and I didn't even feel anything for all the food that was laid out in front of me.

I just sipped my British Earl tea (that's what it was really called, not trying to be fancy here).

~

This past Saturday I also went to the farmer's market with my roommate and bought everything and more that I would normally buy at Whole Foods for half the price!

I'm trying to hold off on buying more food from the store so that I can shop the market again :)

~

Here are some lovely pictures of Vermont.

I hope to live her someday with my hubby - or lover, or life-partner, whatever it will be called, with that Someone.

Oh how I wish AZ had this beautiful fall weather!

(actually I'll have to post these photos a bit later, got to go!)

Wow! I have eaten a TON today!
I think my metabolism is really amped from hiking Saturday and Sunday, and also hitting the gym for an 1hr 1/2 Sunday too.
I didn't go last night since it was pretty late and I was getting tired, but I'll be going tonight.
I just get really tired of having to constantly eat, hopefully it slows down a bit.

So far this is what today has looked like:

7:20am - Fresh juice: 2 celery stalks, one Persian cucumber, 2 mini Jonathon apples, one large red beet with greens, 2 Valencia oranges, one prickly pear fruit, and roughly 5 carrots.  

8:10 - 3 almond/honey/cacao/coconut balls (about the size of a quarter, but thick as a ball shape)

9:10am - bunch of grapes

*then I consumed all this with about an hour spaced in between each meal- 2 peaches, more bunch of grapes, some dried cranberries, two cups of tea in between all this, and just finished about 3 1/2 mangos.
~
I hate feeling full of liquid and water but then I go pee about 30min to an hour after eating. Then it's like I'm hungry again!
So annoying.
~
Had a very eventful weekend! Heard from a lost friend and worked on rebuilding that friendship (over drinks:), spend lots of time hanging out with my roommate, who I absolutely love and is so awesome! (now I'm eating raw edamame with some Himalayan salt..) we hiked both Saturday morning and then Sunday evening, and actually got stuck up on the mountain in the dark because we timed the sunset wrong..but we eventually made it out :). Then after Saturday's hike we hit up a farmer's market nearby that I've been wanting to go to for so long and of course, I went produce crazy because everything looked so beautiful and delicious! Also had a close encounter with my Canadian ex (who was super psycho!) at whole foods Sunday night when my roommate and I were shopping. Dodged him as he was coming out of the aisle and I quickly pulled her in. Very eventful!
~
Just received word not too long ago that the internet at my place is up! Now I'll be able to blog more frequently and put up photos as well!

i want to tell you that i love you.

how happy i was to hear from you.

i had pushed you out of my mind, you were gone from my life.

you caught me off guard with your message.

happily i climbed out of bed to get dressed to see you.

i couldn't breathe while driving.

how will we greet?

did you feel the passionate energy when we first saw each other?

i can't even look into your eyes without melting.

i want to hold your face gently, kiss you softly,

tenderly.

i was ready to give it all up to you that night.

i figured if this is the last chance there is i shall take it.

i wanted to kiss you passionately so bad, but wasn't sure if that would cross the line.

yet i felt that was what you wanted too, but i hugged you instead.

i'm so glad you're back

i see a change in your eyes; you look happier.

i want to make you happy.

your face is so beautiful.

i love tracing the lines you call age with my eyes.

i can barely hold gaze with yours.

i become lost, i feel myself blush.

i love your hearty laugh, so rare and golden.

don't disappear on me again, please.

i want to heal you with love.

i want to make you happy.

Argh Argh Argh!

So tired of feeling fat and frumpy.

I just love food too much.

But that's raw food for you.

Which is nice because it's really not contributing to my weight problem.

It's actually helping me prevent from gaining weight.

It's all the weight I gained a year ago that I'm trying to get rid of.

So now it's 24hr Fitness to whip my ass back in shape!

Because sadly I've had no time for exercise.

With moving and starting up night school and trying to unpack..

Excuses, Excuses.

My self-motivation for 'at home workouts' is not working.

And doing laps at the complex pool is like swimming in warm piss water.

Not really pleasant at 5am.

~

I really want to host like a scrabble or game night!

I think that would be so much fun!

With drinks of course ;)

off-day

have you ever felt so not put together?
~
woke up at 4:30am again with zero energy for any type of exercise.
disappointed.
I'm buying those Nike Free's today, hope they give me some nudgin' and a pushin' for working out.
I would like to lose some more weight.
~
I was quite surprised and proud of my drawing last night in class. It was pretty awesome to see every one's unique style interpretation of the nude model.
Yes Nude.
It's art!

Oh Fair Trade...

How I love thee and thy vegan cookies.
But this semi-healthy bad addiction is eating up my wallet.
And if I don't stop these 3-at-a-time pit-stops, you will enlarge my waste size as well.
But you're Veee-gan!
It has become quite an awkward embarrassment now as the cashiers seem to recognize my face and as I quickly say "3 vegan cookies please" they always have to repeat louder, "How many?"
I feel like I'm being called out here now.
But whatever! I exercise, and these are the only non-raw indulgences I have.
~
Time to sift through this massive September Vogue issue and W magazine that are patiently waiting for me to read.

Moved

Moved all weekend to my new place in Central Phoenix.

I am loving being closer to everything and everyone and not having to drive 20 miles on way to get to something. 

Off to unpack some more.

Hello

I've been neglecting this blog. Purposefully and unintentionally at the same time. So many things have been going on in life that come the end of the night I just want to hit the sack rather than blog.

Over the past month at work I've been pouring over other blogs regarding fashion, photography, food, vintage, and bohemian lifestyles. All are what I love in life and they have inspired me beyond anything else that has this year so far.

I've decided to go on a new direction with this blog.

Start over fresh.

Reading over past entries I see a person who I am not, and one who I dislike.

2010 has been one of the most challenging and hardest years that I can remember ever experiencing.

It has felt downhill since December 31st 2009 up until maybe about a week ago or so.

Actually, I don't even know if I can say that.

All I know is that yesterday, and today have felt like the first two days of a new life.

Cheesy and cliche, yes, I know, but this is really what it feels like.

In January I lost myself.

In February my soul died.

In April I experienced a life changing event, even if it was only temporarily, but a life changing event can cause you to lose yourself even further than how much you've already lost.

Yesterday I felt alive and repaired, a clean slate and a new life.

Many positive things have occurred also during this year, and some were results from the negative parts I experienced.

All I can say is now I know where I'm going. Who I am, who I'm going to be, and who I will not be, and who I will not surround myself with.

I've learned that cutting ties is the best thing one can do for oneself. Otherwise staying connected will hurt even more.

My heart has ached more giving and giving and barely being acknowledged.

I've learned that sometimes silence is the mend to all things.

Distance keeps me sane, let's me be who I really am.

This blog will now be about my goals, aspirations, artwork, fashion, knowledge gained, and second-hand thrift finds.

So I'll just start! As I've been very eager to start this, but also procrastinating. Here are some current goals:

*buy a sewing machine*

*order Polaroid film and start using those cameras*

*start a raised boxed garden on my patio (or at least an herb garden if there's not enough space)*

*lose those 15 lbs - I'm not setting a date because that will only cause stress. Just making it a daily work in progress.*

*begin my mini raw dessert company!*

*find a second part-time weekend-only job (one that I truly enjoy and WANT to do)*

*buy a bike for commuting*

*shop at the farmer's market as much as possible*

*reduce my grocery and food intake (save some muu-lah!)*

*find an easel*

*finish painting wooden rocking chair and sell it*

*find frames for fashion photos*

*find a good quality photo and negative film scanner*

*blog more regularly (wink)*

*surround myself with positive people and energy, eliminate those who are negative*

*use my yoga certificate*

*swim laps daily, even if that's all I do for exercise that day*

*read more often*

*make that trip to Jerome for my tattoo*

*right tragus piercing*

*apply to CCA*

*move out of state*

*be more responsible - but continue taking life not so seriously*

*stay focused on school this semester*

*take more weekend trips*

Ok, so I know that's a pretty long goal list so far, and some of those wont happen realistically until some time has passed and other goals are accomplished beforehand, but this is my motivation!

I just love freshly washed and styled hair. Feels so silky running through finga's...

Except that's not today because I went to swim laps at the pool last night and was home around 12:40am and decided to eat some watermelon rather than shower and then crashed out.

I really meant to wash it this morning, I swear, but I was so exhausted I woke up 45 minutes before I had to run out the door that I threw it up in a messy curly bun.

It's ok though, I'm doing more laps tonight.

the sickness

I miss You most when I feel sad and alone

although that doesn't matter now.

-

One can seriously play one degree of separation between us.

I'm constantly reminded of You.

-

But why should I give a fuck anymore?

You can only rack my brain and give nothing more.

I don't want to take less.

Sometimes the fact that I just think of you fills this empty void.

And then I dream..

~

I went to visit my family after work today

then I left because I couldn't breathe.

How can one be happy in an environment pushing negativity in every which way?

~

I always have trouble sleeping.

~

I'm so tired of pain.

emotionally, mentally, and physically.

every place that bends seems to ache and hurt with pain.

and all I can do about it is say FUCK.

all this pain is new, since April at least.

I'm tired of feeling broken and cripple at the age of 22.

I couldn't even workout tonight because the foot that felt normal yesterday

feels way fucked up today

and for no reason at all it seems.

mid-day daydreams whilst working

listening to Arcade Fire - Funeral album. ~

why didn't I discover them sooner?!

- and to know that they just had a show here and I didn't go... I must admit that I am a late bloomer sometimes when it comes to discovering music.

- What I want to DO:

Blondie is just so classic glam/rock I wish I was brave enough to do this last style - I love it!

I need an appearance change, and lately peroxide blonde has been calling out to me.

I would also love to just chop it off to a pixie cut

but when I last cut my hair for my Identity Crisis it turned out awful

and just made me feel uglier.

I need to lose 10lbs otherwise short hair does not look good on me

and only makes me look heavier.

~

what makes me sad:

-

running out of fruit and veggies

-

people who feel they have a right to raise their voice at me

for no particular reason

-

spilling tea, it seems every day at least, on myself.

--------

I'm in love with these people!

backyardBill

thanks to Marmunia

her blog is full of wonderful links!

I've spent the past three days pouring over these photos

how I wish I could meet some of them.

~

I hope to be able to get my camera soon.

I'm dying to start up my business.

my genres:

music, travel, portrait, and I think I do want to get back into fashion.

long day, fast day

knee pain is not fun.

nor is trying to walk and every step vibrates into your kneecap, sending shock waves of hollowness,

nothing inside to absorb it.

I'm too young to have deteriorating legs.

-

I looked into acupressure, or acupuncture, one of the two.

I'll schedule an appointment for this weekend, hopefully.

-

vibrams helped,

but I haven't been able to get in good workouts for over two weeks now because of my class.

studying robbed me of exercise,

but I'll be back in the gym tonight,

because as strange as it may sound, I think having not been able to consistently exercise is contributing to this pain.

-

I've spent all day browsing online.

it feels good to be stress-free.

-

how I'd love to decorate my place with some Scandinavian Grace

but these lovely things are a bit much.

but I am going to get myself that black basket for my bike

(when I get that too).

how I'd love it if my older sister had a baby so I could bundle him up in this adorable seal pelt!

-