Norwegian Wood

image via Metro Times

I finally have finished reading this tonight. This has been a beautiful, hauntingly disturbing read.

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Paintings by Jake Walker

cafe actually

Sometimes I feel lost and don’t know why I do, but I am. 

Life is not an easy thing to navigate. There are compromises to make, promises to break, selfishness to take and lead you on forward to your desires and dreams and goals. And sometimes it feels like no one can join you on that path and that it is only you. And sometimes you feel like you are bound to be alone in life. Maybe too anal, too OCD for someone else to take on the challenge of loving you like that. Maybe you are really the crazy one and you now appreciate everyone calling you that. And maybe you’ve known all along that you were that crazy one. You really knew you were crazy! And all you want to do is live life to the fullest and not let anyone get in your way. And sometimes you’re selfish and wish things could just be handed down to you out of the sky - but you have to work. And aw shucks! working sometimes sucks, but don’t they say the fruits of your labors are the best part? And then you’re lost because then you think well I can’t do fucking shit. But oh yes you can! You are talented and you know, and you believe in yourself that you will be successful one day. But the bottom line is, how can I start all this? And this is why you are lost.

It's been a very long time since I last posted.

I lost my job. Laid-off to be exact. Found a new one, which I'll start up on Wednesday.
Moved out of my roomed apartment and moved in with my Italian.
If I have not already posted this somewhere, I'm moving to Oakland for CCA in the fall. So now that I lost my job, that kind of works out nice as we can now either move in July or August, depending on the terms of the lease we will sign.

Tonight, sadness and loneliness have inspired this post. My Italian has been upset at me as of yesterday because I ditched out on Comicon (sorry! that's just not my kind of thing!). I spent today lounging by the pool, a run, the gym, some cooking, reading, another segment of the movie I've been watching (I have to watch in pieces), and all this time, I am constantly thinking of him, waiting for him to come home. It'll be a late night, according to him, these comicon people rave and party like no other!

There are so many things I want to start, so many new projects, but I feel as if I have no desire to do anything but read. I'm trying to finish up Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. An amazing novel that was outlawed in Japan in the 60's for being too erotic (which by far is!), and not until many years after it's first release was it allowed an Americanized version for distribution. Almost finished!

Today during my daily reading of Marmunia, Aly posted this quote (hope you don't mind I borrowed):

To feel confident and successful is not natural for the artist. To feel insufficient, to experience disappointment and defeat in waiting for inspiration is the natural state of mind for an artist. As a result, praise to most artists is a little embarrassing. They cannot take credit for inspiration, for we can see perfectly, but we cannot do perfectly. Many artists live socially without disturbance to mind, but others must live the inner experience of mind, a solitary way of living. - Agnes Martin

Reading this washes sadness over my soul, yet again, as I personally feel and agree with what Agnes has to say.

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On a lighter note, I feel really glad and personally satisfied with the achievement of having some influence at work to do good in other cities.

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Excited and anxious for our move to Oakland. I have been admitted into CCA. Although I knew this in March, I am posting now because I've been a bit somewhat lazy to post.

I'm loving you more with each new day.

how many people withhold sex from your partner?

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please, speak your thoughts.

anxious anxious

This will be arriving in the mail for me sometime soon.

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It was created by jeweler Julie Nolan, who also has more beautiful work in her shop.

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Last night the Italian and I visited Amococo at the Mesa Arts Center. This exhibit was only constructed for a two week period display and resembled a giant bouncy castle from the outside, but a living, breathing organ from within. With the many different passages, and the colors of blue, red, and green in abundance, I felt I was traveling through a vein, waiting for the rush of blood to be pumped through. Accompanying the sculpture was soothing, hypnotic music. The only thing I felt lacking in the sounds gliding through the tunnels were whale calls.

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image via Imnop blog

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You can watch a video on it here.

The Impossible is Possible Once Again



Most excited for the color and b&w silver shade Polaroid film I just ordered. Hope it arrives on time for my trip to San Francisco. I now regret not ordering 3 packs, as each pack only comes with 8 shots. Hoping these shots come out so I can begin my new series of Polaroids in travel.

*image via The Impossible Shop

dream kitchen

*Rhiannon Kubicka's home via Apiece Apart

I wish to have a kitchen as lovely as this one, someday, to place all my colored glasses and pretty dishes.

I love how they are open and floating in the air.



happy birthday to You...

this morning made it all the more special.

both for me and you I think,.. I'm sure.

you always look so beautiful in the morning light.

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Shadows via The World Through My "Eye"

Birds Can Fly

A lot has been going on in my life since the new year, leaving less time for me to post than what I would like to have.

~A cat came and went. Back in early January I rescued a kitty off the street and named him Tom. He was abandoned by sick owners who kicked him to the curb after having a child, leaving him outdoors during the coldest part of our winter this year, barely feeding him. They claim they thought he was skin and bones because he was 'getting more exercise than normal'.

Poor guy though. He didn't last long in my care. My main goal in bringing him home was to nurse him back to health so that he could still live. I know he would have died out there on the streets. He's in indoor man, not suite out at all for them street cat thugs. I did 3 major vet trips, resulting in him having an ear infection, a respiratory infection (he lost his meow for a while!), and bad bacteria in his intestine, resulting in runny, stinky poo and constant puking. He was all better by February, but my schedule is so packed and busy that I was never home to give him enough attention! He definitely needs to live in the care of someone who is constantly home for his companionship. I finally had to surrender him to the Humane Society after asking around if anyone wanted a kitty. I really loved Tom, even with his ADD/Mental disorder problems. I could never tell if he was like that from birth, or because he was a grandpa.

~ I have my own website! It's here, nothing too exciting, nothing there YET. Thanks to my Italian, he pretty much built it for me :) Now I'm waiting on a Kickstarter project to help aid me in acquiring a digital camera to start shooting fine art in digital format, and I will be purchasing a film scanner soon to start showcasing my film work on my website! This is very exciting for me. A domain in my name.

~ I applied and sent off my papers and portfolio to CCA in San Francisco and should be hearing back from them any day now to see if I've been accepted. Crossing my fingers! I'm planning on buying a ticket to fly out there to scope out the campus. Plus it's a good opportunity for my Italian and I to start scouting the area.

~ Been busy spending time with my Italian. Life is feeling very happy and fulfilling with him in it. We spend a lot of nights wine and dining on homemade meals. I love cooking for him! Plus it's starting to get him off the habit of eating takeout for every single meal each day. Saves on money and your health!

~ Running and working out A LOT. I try and do something active for at least 30 minutes each day. It's pretty much bikini season already here in the AZ!

~ Doing tons of brainstorming for art projects. I started working 4 days instead of 5 now so that I can have an extra day to work on my work.

~Planning trips with my Italian! We're looking at SanFran, Coachella, Maui, *a surprise trip for him*, and Vegas are all in the works!

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On another note, today I took  a sanity test online, hoping to discover that I'm some crazy mental brainiac or something, only to be told that I was completely sane. How boring! Before you start the test, the website asks you all kinds of questions such as if you have a history of any type of abuse, have ever been diagnosed with a disorder, have or am currently struggling with such and such...on and on, and I couldn't answer yes to anything except that I came to this site for self-help. But I realized answering no to all those questions that I am happy now. I really feel happy. I am in a good place in my life, surrounded by good friends and people who I love and care for. Yes I have my problems and worries, but there are far greater things in life to focus on than not having enough money, not liking so much my job, ...really that's all I can think of at the moment that may give me the slightest grief!

It also got me thinking, and I actually have been desiring this for some time now, but I would like to find a group, or an organization of some sort, who focuses on tapping into a higher level, if you know what I mean. I feel the spiritual side of my life has been lacking, and I've been wanting to fill it. My Italian suggested we start attending a Lutheran church. I'd be down, but I'm not interested in joining any religion, and I'm not interested in converting to any type of christianity either. I consider myself christian, but I don't agree 100% with any christian religion. Hopefully I can find what I'm seeking out. Any suggestions? And nothing pagan or satanic please. Just more of self-spirituality at your own pace, tapping into your mental state to connect with a higher, revelatory power.



why can't calls be returned in a timely manner?
and why can't texts be responded to promptly after you have received response?
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disappointments are adding up, and it's starting to feel like I'm really not worth your time.
but I think I realized a while back and ignored that you, perhaps, weren't really worth mine.

Out of respect, one should always phone when running late.

Oh How I Wish...

Clothing I am coveting: ~

A Coat of Note $39.99

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Away in the Rockies Cardigan $26.99

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Well-Adjusted Frock $29.99

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She Sees in Sepia dress $45.99

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Budding Ambition Dress $24.99 - ALAS! out of stock

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Gala Life Dress $72.99

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Shadow of a Smile Dress, $23.99

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Evening of Storytelling Sweater in Black, $21.99

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Cue the Orchestra Blazer, $24.99

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Come Ride With Me boots, $84.99

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Fiery Personality Frock, $20.99

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There are too many more to list! How I love ModCloth. I bought Tom this tipi from them.

**Actually, every time I look at this red dress, I always think this is not my style, but more of Melissa's. I covet it for her. ~edited sat 26th

Went hiking with my Italian yesterday. However I was being grouchy and moody, everything seemed to irritate me before and after the hike. I would like to call it post-period depression. I never pms before or during my period, but at least once a month I have this really unusually off day where I am feeling so unhappy and want to quite everything I'm involved in. However you force on through what needs to get done that day, resulting in me feeling happy by the time the day is done.

image from the collection of National Galleries of Scotland

Anyways, on our descent down from the mountain i pass this beautiful couple, the man extending his hand to help the lady, who is pregnant, a good 5-6 months it looks, as she slowly descends the mountain as well. She was gorgeous, glowing, and looking ever so beautiful with a swollen belly. I couldn't help resisting and told her so. Her thank you was so happy. Every time I see pregnant bellies on woman who are at an appropriate age for pregnancy (not a teen-mama supporter), I immediately begin to think of my future pregnancies. Most times it results in feelings of wanting to live in that moment now, in this present. I am so excited for the day when I will have a protruding belly. I know it's not at all as glamorous and sometimes the media, or magazines make it out to be, but I think it is still glamorous in it's own rights of creating a human life with someone you love. To seal a little bit of me, and a little bit of You into one egg and experience it grow, to me seems to be an experience I would have a loss of words for. Not even You will know the deepest secrets only I will experience in my pregnancies. The waking moments of realism as a creation is weaved inside me. Lately I find myself day dreaming of part-Italian children. I think they would look beautiful. How I wish that someday I will have your Italian children. How I wish to tell you this.

Today I dashed home during my lunch to create a soup:

• rice noodles (pad Thai size), about 1/2 cup vegetable broth, 1 cup mushroom broth, then water to the brim, some carrots, shitake mushrooms, sweet onion, cilantro, collard greens, and pepper, dash of Himalayan salt, and some oregano.

Delicious but bland I say. I will still eat bland, food is more about eating a variety of proper nutrients to me rather than eat to enjoy amazing tastes, although that would be a perk + to healthy foods. By the end of my second bowl, I was starting to scoop up broth in my spoon when I don't know how, but the entire bowl tipped over and landed on my dress and leggings. Luckily the leggings absorbed most of the spill, but how sad! I am so clumsy, I don't know how I do it, but it is quite an embarrassment to be seen spilling things all the time.

the Gemini Woman and Pisces Man

When Pisces and Gemini unite, they can be a very mutually satisfying couple. There are a few things this couple should know in order to be successful in a lasting relationship. The two signs are at right angles in the Zodiac, which means that this can be a challenging match. These challenges can be overcome with patience, and understanding, but you will both need to be committed in order for it to work between you.

Pisces processes things differently than Gemini does. While Gemini, an air sign, is more concerned with matters of the mind; Pisces, a water sign, is more concerned with emotional matters. This can lead to miscommunication between you. A Pisces/Gemini couple needs to understand how their partner communicates in order to have a smooth relationship. Though Pisces likes social settings and conversation, much of the way you see and understand the world is nonverbal. This is a direct reflection of the way Pisces is most comfortable communicating. Gemini needs to understand this, because they are naturally not as receptive to that kind of interaction.

Pisces needs to learn to allow Gemini a moment to gather their thoughts. Once they calm their continuously thinking mind, Gemini can be very insightful. If Pisces can allow them this time, they will see that Gemini is not as shallow as they might at first appear, and this will add fodder to relationship.

This couple can also be very emphatic, which allows this relationship to be as flexible as both signs like. While Pisces sees things in a dreamlike way, Gemini is open-minded. Gemini can bring humor and direction that helps focus dreamy Pisces. This relationship can have a very solid base, as these signs are great friends as well as lovers.

When the man in this relationship is a Pisces and the woman a Gemini, this can be a blissful match. Pisces men a very attractive with their dreamy looks and nature that is so passionate. They are naturally attractive to women, and Gemini is no exception. Be careful that Gemini isn’t too thoughtless, as Pisces feelings are easily hurt, even male Pisces. This match can also be a bit self-destructive, as Pisces longs for adoration from their mate, and Gemini loves freedom. Pisces needs to be careful to not be too constricting, or Gemini will be making a run for it.

When the women in the relationship is a Pisces and the man a Gemini, the combination can be a bit unstable. You are both looking for different things from a relationship. Pisces needs Gemini to be more grounded, which is hard for this air sign. Gemini is easily bored by something they used to like, and a Gemini man might love something about you one day, and be put off by it the next. Pisces feelings can be easily hurt in this situation, as she is more sensitive than he is, and feelings are not of the utmost importance to him. However, a Pisces woman has a lot of powers of persuasion over men, with Gemini not being an exception. Use this power wisely. You can teach him a lot about the heart, and he has much to show you about the mind. He also can teach you a better means of communication which can give this relationship a better chance at lasting.

Even when these two signs do have problems, they tend to forgive easily. Gemini doesn’t take the time to hold a grudge, and Pisces is able to see their partners true intentions, making it equally hard to stay upset. Their planets are also complimentary, Pisces’ Jupiter, who is all about learning and philosophy, makes Pisces eager to know new things. Gemini’s Mercury is focused on innovation and invention, which Pisces understands on a deep level.

Typically an Air and Water sign have a hard run in the relationship gamut. However, if they are able to build on their understanding of each other, the Pisces/Gemini couple can be a fairly complete whole. Gemini brings the intellectual part of the relationship, and Pisces the emotional. Put together, these two signs are a smart and compassionate couple.

Both signs are mutable, which means that neither feels the need to be the leader of the relationship, and they can both do what they need to make it work well without stifling one another. It also means that they are both flexible, and deal well with change, something that is very good in this couple.

One of the best things about this couple is that they are so companionable. They are friends, and lovers, and that makes this a great match. They both bring flexibility to the relationship, and are able to accept their differences because of that. This can be a wonderful match, one that runs deep and is long lasting.

Last night I whispered to you that I love you while I gently stroked your face.

You looked so beautiful sleeping and I couldn't contain any longer.

Or was that all just a dream I dreamt of what I wish to tell you someday?..

Or it could have happened in my sleepy daze, unaware if you heard me or not.

Either way, my heart is fully involved in this now.

I've been neglecting things due to an illusion, and I shouldn't continue to do that.
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There are times when you can feel used by the people who you put your trust into the most.
Trying to rub you tarnish. Just how they are.
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Things need to be taken back.
I let them get too far before they really should have- but I take responsibility for my actions.
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Un-conscientiously, it's really been all about the sex.