Goal Updates

 

• finish burning all my cd's into my iTunes and file them away in my new cd mass-case  
• photograph for my portfolio started! just need some more images :)
• submit my application to the California College of Arts, The Art Institute of Chicago, and The Academy of Art University by January (including my portfolio)
• finish painting and sanding my wooden rocking chair
• finish decorating the walls of my room
• finish all hand-washing laundry
• begin re-designing the living room design layout accomplished! now to re-arrange!
• begin spray painting the coffee table that will be moved out to the patio. Add a tile mosaic surface after painting.
• build resume
• finish reading The Town and The City by Jack Kerouac
• Finish reading STIFF: the curious lives of human cadavers by Mary Roach
• get past the introduction of and finish reading Moments of Being by Virginia Woolf
• go to Jerome to visit Cody to discuss my tattoo
• get my right tragus pierced
• buy Nike Free's and start trail running
• sign up for the PF Chang's Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon in January
• order polaroid film
• photograph and sell my vintage TOD's purse on Ebay
• buy a bike light
• take out roomie's sewing machine and start a new project.
• put together a drawing folder
• organize photo folders 1/2 way done!
• gather You reminders to ship off to photographer
• buy my Built to Spill, Pepper, & Godsmack ticket! Decided not to buy the Built to Spill or Godsmack shows due to classes & monies.
• buy English textbook

feeling unfulfilled

Lately I feel really unfulfilled.
Although I feel I am finally accomplishing things/tasks I've been meaning to accomplish for a long time now, there is still an empty space in me.
Seeing photos of an old friend who I used to be best friends with for three years but then she decided she no longer wanted to be friends was heartbreaking.
To this day I still don't understand why she no longer wanted to be friends.
Not knowing why has left a questionable mark on who I am as a person - even though this was years ago.
-
Am I a selfish person?
Do I not give enough of myself to others?
Is it wrong to want time for myself, to be alone, to work on things I enjoy rather than have to give every single day to someone else?
Is this why I can't find my other half?
Have I been unknowingly selfish all my life to pursue my interests after so long of putting them off for others?
-
All I want to do is run and Run and RUN.
Running has been so calming for me.
I did 14 miles over the weekend - 4 fri, 5 sat, 5 sun.
Sunday really should have been a cross-train day but I didn't run Thurs to rest my achy leg.
My body is finally enjoying all this running, even though sometimes I hurt like hell afterwards, the freedom to run is magnificent!
I enjoy more running among the line of waiting cars backed up in traffic with the people cheering me on.
It really helps me to keep pushing along.
-
Am I sabotaging myself not allowing someone to get close to my heart?
Those who I do consider allowing are only liars, or not genuinely interested.
That's why it feels better to be alone.
-
I finally gathered all Your stuff this weekend and off I will ship it to the Photographer for his project.
-
I'm overwhelmed. I feel I don't have enough time in my day for everything that must get done.
I wish I could skip sleep for like 4 days in a row and still function normally.
I'm juggling full-time work, marathon training, raw eating (which requires meal prep everyday), my campus classes (drawing and photography), my online class, my case, keeping up maintenance on my relationships.
Can personal-self life be even considered in this category?
I hate feeling like a bad friend, a bad student, a bad daughter, a bad employee.
I think my training and healthy eating is the only things working at keeping depression at bay for the moment.
-
I wish I could be so much more than what I am now.

Wow, Someone totally made my day!
Never before has this happened to me - and of all things a Black Keys 2010 poster.
How freakin' awesome is that ?!
Just when I thought it best to abandon all reason to continue this rendezvous, this comes along.
I couldn't be any happier right now.
~
Running update of last week:
-didn't run Thursday because I planned a hike for Friday morning.
-didn't hike Friday morning because it was drizzling and that would spell terrible hike
-long run along the canal: 7 miles. Realized listening to a power song that really gets me going helps me pick up my pace. Felt like I could have kept on running after I finished.
-instead of cross train Sunday I wanted to get another run in for the week since I missed Thursday's, so a quick 3-miler it was along my neighborhood. Maybe it wasn't the best idea after that 7 miler since my legs were dying, but I did it!

Today: It'll be a 3 miler around the track, I may do 4 though. Really excited to run!

Disappointed

Yes, this is how I am feeling this morning.

My hair straightener is shot.
The blender I bought sucks and the smoothie I made is chunky and hard to stomach after so much.
By bulimic/anorexic ways are creeping back in.
I am having a lack of motivation for school. Only somewhat though.
I do not want to date.
Nor do I want to put my time and energy into casually dating/getting to know someone.
They just always seem to disappoint and only want to play games.
I am disappointed in my money-management. I love how I just got paid and all my money is gone already.
I hate feeling fat.

Sad Day

Today was a sad day.
I was so excited to get a run in after work, but while running my legs, top and bottom, were aching so badly.
Like it felt like it was in my bones. :(
I'm really worried about training for the marathon as a raw vegan.
I want to make sure I'm getting all the essential nutrients that I need for my muscles to recovery quickly.
But I kind of feel like they're not.
I know running on pavement is also not helping, but sad as it is, the actual race will be on pavement and asphalt, so I might as well train on it now I guess.
My knees ache.
My quads ache.
Am I not strong enough for this?
I hike and hit the gym often - consecutively since April.
But my legs have always been my trouble spot when it comes toning them.
So am I just using the muscles that have been hard for me to hit?
I really googled this when I got back from my run.
I was on the verge of tears because it was so frustrating to want to run but physically I couldn't.
I was even pissed off because I saw someone running in vibrams and I thought:
"what the fuck?! you are fat and you can gracefully run in these and I can't?!"
Sad day for me.
If I could, I would be running in my vibrams.
But the last time I did I wasn't able to last long, and I think I stress fractured something in my foot because I was unable to workout for the next few days.
And I really rather not risk that happening again.

Another problem is, I never feel like eating anymore.
I find I have less of an appetite right after I run, but that is when I should eat the most I know, to help repair my muscles quickly.
Unfortunately winter time sucks when it comes to raw food.
I was this close...
THIS CLOSE I tell you... to eat Chipotle tonight because I was just too exhausted to prepare a meal, even though I know I've been dying for salad lately....
Literally, dying.

It was a sad day for Kat at work also.
But yesterday was a good day because I had another lunch date :)
Except I guess that might have been awful because I just talked and talked and spill all my secrets, and then he tells me that he thinks it's cute that I do this, or that.
And he tells me that I look adorable in my outfit, that I always look nice....
And he mentioned I glow (from my vegan ways).
And I just feel myself blush and get so nervous
and really I was thinking I glow only because I'm freakin' sweating across the table from being so nervous..
But I really like that he said I glow...that's the best complement I think I've ever received really.
I really like that.
For reals.

a draft post that was never posted - SURPRISE!

The day started off bad, but it's progressively gotten better...

After I had that smoke.
Yes, i've picked up smoking.
Cigars, not cigarettes mind you. I would like to stay nicotine free.
I used to smoke hookah often with some Persian friends of mine, but since we've stopped hanging out as of January of this year, I've really been craving and missing hookah.
How nice would it be if they invented a hookah cigarette? (nicotine free please!)
The other night though I stopped by CVS and felt super shady buying my first pack of cigars.
I told the attendant, who had some crazy awful gold blonde split beard going on that looked like fangs hanging off his chin, I want to smoke something, but not cigarettes. No nicotine.
So he directed me to some pure tobacco mini cigars that come from the Dominican, or maybe Cuba, I haven't really looked yet.. but I like them.
I sat on my patio that evening working on the chair I'm painting and smoked about half of one.

So this morning I had super anxiety and all I could think was, I need to get out of here to smoke!!! lunch couldn't have waited around any longer so I snuck out to catch a smokie. I puffed one on my drive home but A) felt super embarrassed to be smoking in public (WTF?!) and B) I smoked in my car with my windows partially rolled down but the smoke ended up stinking up my hair, clothes and car! Sad face.
I did some quick teeth brushing because a smokey mouth is a no-no.

Lookie Lookie!

National Geographic sends me all these cool photos because I'm cool like that. Subscribe to their newsletters and you may become cool too.

I'm gonna see this one day in real life (aka it's in NC, shh!).

~

So last night I sent a text to someone I thought was a friend.

they replied with "You flatter yourself on both counts".

Fuck I was pissed.

I sent them the message with high hopes of them understanding what I meant.

I wanted to retaliate with a FUCK YOU but instead fueled the anger into the portrait illustration I was working on in class that evening, letting my mind simmer down a bit and think out the fabulous sentence structure of how I would reply.

They didn't respond after I replied to their remark.

To state bluntly, I pointed out their stupidity in interpreting the message as self-flattery and apologized for holding high regards of their intelligence because clearly they don't have much.

My mistake.

BUUUTTT, this mistake also slapped me in the face, saying WAKE THE F- UP! Get that shit out of your closet and mail it to that photographer!

~

Marathon training has been awesome!

I ran a total of a little over 17 miles last week.

That is such an accomplishment for me in itself as I have never run that much before in one week.

I did a six miler along the canal from The Biltmore golf course to 44th St and back.

I forgot the knee brace I use for my right kneecap and was a little worried about how I would perform, but the run was so comfortable (great early morning weather helps!) I think I stopped 2-3 times very briefly to help walk out my calves because I still had a bit soreness in the from my weeks' runs. I'm really excited to run again tonight since yesterday was a rest day.

Sunday was cross-training day and the training guide recommends NOT doing anything that would require calve work which I now understand why because I decided to get my weekend hike in which resulted in my calves feeling like they were going to explode with every step of the hike I took.

But the + side is that my legs are feeling sexy awesome!

Tonight will be a 3 miler, tomorrow 4, and then Thursday another 3.

Saturday will be 7 miles this week, which really shouldn't feel much more longer than the 6 I did this past Saturday, which I think I ran in 1:05:00 roughly.

If only the stupid Nike+iPod track system would work that I dropped thirty bucks on..

But I am loving my shoes more with every run I do!

I am going to treat myself 3 weeks prior to race day with brand new ones in the red design that I originally wanted.

So excited for this race!!

Thursday I ran 3.49 miles, Mon 4.03, and Tuesday of last week 3.54 miles.

And ok, I just mapped my run using MapMyRun.com for my 6 miler and it was really 5.39.

Sad face.

Mapquest sucks at mapping apparently.

~

Funny conversations I had yesterday over email:

Subject: legs mc gillicutty!

M: MY DIAGNOSIS..................I think leg bruising will eventually lead to neurosis...LOL!!

LEG BRUISING
Blunt trauma
Coagulopathy
Anticoagulant medications
Venous insufficiency
Bacterial septicaemia (see Blood infection)
Deep vein thrombosis
Spinal fracture
Leg injury
Thrombocytopenia
ITP
Leukaemia
Child abuse
Scurvy
Cushing syndrome
Skin fragility in the elderly
Read more at http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/symptoms/leg_bruise/causes.htm?ktrack=kcplink
Me: hahaha, this is so wrong to laugh at, but how is it that leukaemia and child abuse are even in the same category?! HAHA
so I tried kicking my guilty habit this weekend but I failed. Saturday night I was biking home from drinks with friends and thought, hm, I'm going to smoke the last half of that one cigarillo I have. Then I was disgusted afterwards and thought This is so gross that I'm smoking. So I tossed them in the trash full of paper in my room, but then thought Wait, I may want those some day..but left them in the trash. So Sunday afternoon i'm like What the hell was I thinking?! That 5 pack was $4! and I go and retrieve them. haha!

Subject: what are you doing

M: for lunch? I dont want to go eat a bunch of food cuz I am trying to detox from the fatty weekend but I wanna get the helly outta the building and walk around :O and maybe smoke some cigarellos :O JK! hahahahahaha! you are funny! I want to go yell at homeless people and throw my egg shells at cars...that is my lunch a hard boiled egg..growse...that truly is the growsest thing anyone could eat....with its little yolk that thinks it is something special cuz its in the middle! Have you heard from tech boy?

Me: It's dollar day at Salvation Army! want to gooo?? and if it sucks we can go grab cHaI'S.

M: Yes....Yes I do!!! so I guess no one likes my laugh...supposedly...thats what the girls said when they got back from lunch.... so stop with the laugh making...You are getting me in trouble. hahaha! There are many things that I would like for a dollar from thrift store.. I need perhaps half a package of lee press on nails or some of that old eye liner that I could use to write on the bathroom of the bar some things about other peoples body parts or a necklace that works better as a choking hazard than jewelry....oh the things I could buy...no but serious I live for thrift and I am just being a smart ass cuz I am antsy...like an ant!

Me: What?! really they told you that?? I love your laugh! it's better than their's! haha, jk (wait, actually I"m not) haha :) UM, I really shouldn't be spending money, but it's a dollar I guess, so hopefully that dollar doesn't add up to fifteen dollars because then I would be a sad girl :( Lee press on nails, haha! I used to use those too and thought I was so cool! (you still feel really cool though with press on nails because you look at the other girls with acrylics and think, haha, my nails wont be all f-d up when these bad boys come off! ) we'll go when ---- comes back from eating her bag of pretzels and racking up a long-distance convo with the hubster.

YEAH! (I picture like those japanese anime girls jumping in the air and shouting that, like sailor moon. I used to love that show! haha, guilty pleasure :)
M: I think that the sign in the bathroom about the mammogram should show the boob getting squished in the machine...for some reason I think that it makes it much more fun! Like woohoo! <--also with a sailor moon jump...haha what is it about japan cartoon characters...so much more attractive than others. I think kat had those videos..AWESOME.....I liked power puff girls too cuz they made boys explode by kissing them. I wish I could do that except I'd have to kiss boys first to get them to explode and that is a chore on its own...hahaha!

I know I want a pretzel everytime I walk into the breakroom and I don't even eat pretzels....

~

Weekend update:

Friday I was delirious at work due to lack of sleep all week and bodily exhaustion from throwing myself into training so as much as I wanted to call friends up to go out and such, I told myself to hit the sack at 7pm, and I slept until 7am Saturday morning. That's when I decided I felt refreshed enough to get up and go hit that 6 miler.

After my run I had some film to develop from the photo shoot I did of my roomie, then come home to quickly eat, shower, get ready, and bike to Postino's down the street for drinks and dinner with friends. In bed by 11pm.

Sunday I got up around 9am and geared up for my hike, then did an hour of weights at the gym, followed by some grocery shopping, eating, then visiting the fam. We decided to take the dogs to the dog park but lo and behold they had just watered the lawn so there were a million freakin' mosquitoes everywhere and I got like a bazillion bites all over my legs now. Sad face.

I picked up some great finds at a yard sale Saturday morning! This great long 4-shelf black wood bookcase for $20, a bag of about 45 silk scarves for $15, some leather belts, a tan men's button-up, and a b&w photo. Yay! :)

*I need to turn this blog into thrift purchases - so much good stuff I have found this year alone! I refuse to shop anywhere else now except thrifts!

~

Getting super nervous for my little lunch date!