Feeling Like the Biggest Failure

why do I suck, and why am I so fucked up?

Goal Updates

 

• finish burning all my cd's into my iTunes and file them away in my new cd mass-case  
• photograph for my portfolio started! just need some more images :)
• submit my application to the California College of Arts, The Art Institute of Chicago, and The Academy of Art University by January (including my portfolio)
• finish painting and sanding my wooden rocking chair
• finish decorating the walls of my room
• finish all hand-washing laundry
• begin re-designing the living room design layout accomplished! now to re-arrange!
• begin spray painting the coffee table that will be moved out to the patio. Add a tile mosaic surface after painting.
• build resume
• finish reading The Town and The City by Jack Kerouac
• Finish reading STIFF: the curious lives of human cadavers by Mary Roach
• get past the introduction of and finish reading Moments of Being by Virginia Woolf
• go to Jerome to visit Cody to discuss my tattoo
• get my right tragus pierced
• buy Nike Free's and start trail running
• sign up for the PF Chang's Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon in January
• order polaroid film
• photograph and sell my vintage TOD's purse on Ebay
• buy a bike light
• take out roomie's sewing machine and start a new project.
• put together a drawing folder
• organize photo folders 1/2 way done!
• gather You reminders to ship off to photographer
• buy my Built to Spill, Pepper, & Godsmack ticket! Decided not to buy the Built to Spill or Godsmack shows due to classes & monies.
• buy English textbook

feeling unfulfilled

Lately I feel really unfulfilled.
Although I feel I am finally accomplishing things/tasks I've been meaning to accomplish for a long time now, there is still an empty space in me.
Seeing photos of an old friend who I used to be best friends with for three years but then she decided she no longer wanted to be friends was heartbreaking.
To this day I still don't understand why she no longer wanted to be friends.
Not knowing why has left a questionable mark on who I am as a person - even though this was years ago.
-
Am I a selfish person?
Do I not give enough of myself to others?
Is it wrong to want time for myself, to be alone, to work on things I enjoy rather than have to give every single day to someone else?
Is this why I can't find my other half?
Have I been unknowingly selfish all my life to pursue my interests after so long of putting them off for others?
-
All I want to do is run and Run and RUN.
Running has been so calming for me.
I did 14 miles over the weekend - 4 fri, 5 sat, 5 sun.
Sunday really should have been a cross-train day but I didn't run Thurs to rest my achy leg.
My body is finally enjoying all this running, even though sometimes I hurt like hell afterwards, the freedom to run is magnificent!
I enjoy more running among the line of waiting cars backed up in traffic with the people cheering me on.
It really helps me to keep pushing along.
-
Am I sabotaging myself not allowing someone to get close to my heart?
Those who I do consider allowing are only liars, or not genuinely interested.
That's why it feels better to be alone.
-
I finally gathered all Your stuff this weekend and off I will ship it to the Photographer for his project.
-
I'm overwhelmed. I feel I don't have enough time in my day for everything that must get done.
I wish I could skip sleep for like 4 days in a row and still function normally.
I'm juggling full-time work, marathon training, raw eating (which requires meal prep everyday), my campus classes (drawing and photography), my online class, my case, keeping up maintenance on my relationships.
Can personal-self life be even considered in this category?
I hate feeling like a bad friend, a bad student, a bad daughter, a bad employee.
I think my training and healthy eating is the only things working at keeping depression at bay for the moment.
-
I wish I could be so much more than what I am now.

Disappointed

Yes, this is how I am feeling this morning.

My hair straightener is shot.
The blender I bought sucks and the smoothie I made is chunky and hard to stomach after so much.
By bulimic/anorexic ways are creeping back in.
I am having a lack of motivation for school. Only somewhat though.
I do not want to date.
Nor do I want to put my time and energy into casually dating/getting to know someone.
They just always seem to disappoint and only want to play games.
I am disappointed in my money-management. I love how I just got paid and all my money is gone already.
I hate feeling fat.

Lookie Lookie!

National Geographic sends me all these cool photos because I'm cool like that. Subscribe to their newsletters and you may become cool too.

I'm gonna see this one day in real life (aka it's in NC, shh!).

~

So last night I sent a text to someone I thought was a friend.

they replied with "You flatter yourself on both counts".

Fuck I was pissed.

I sent them the message with high hopes of them understanding what I meant.

I wanted to retaliate with a FUCK YOU but instead fueled the anger into the portrait illustration I was working on in class that evening, letting my mind simmer down a bit and think out the fabulous sentence structure of how I would reply.

They didn't respond after I replied to their remark.

To state bluntly, I pointed out their stupidity in interpreting the message as self-flattery and apologized for holding high regards of their intelligence because clearly they don't have much.

My mistake.

BUUUTTT, this mistake also slapped me in the face, saying WAKE THE F- UP! Get that shit out of your closet and mail it to that photographer!

~

Marathon training has been awesome!

I ran a total of a little over 17 miles last week.

That is such an accomplishment for me in itself as I have never run that much before in one week.

I did a six miler along the canal from The Biltmore golf course to 44th St and back.

I forgot the knee brace I use for my right kneecap and was a little worried about how I would perform, but the run was so comfortable (great early morning weather helps!) I think I stopped 2-3 times very briefly to help walk out my calves because I still had a bit soreness in the from my weeks' runs. I'm really excited to run again tonight since yesterday was a rest day.

Sunday was cross-training day and the training guide recommends NOT doing anything that would require calve work which I now understand why because I decided to get my weekend hike in which resulted in my calves feeling like they were going to explode with every step of the hike I took.

But the + side is that my legs are feeling sexy awesome!

Tonight will be a 3 miler, tomorrow 4, and then Thursday another 3.

Saturday will be 7 miles this week, which really shouldn't feel much more longer than the 6 I did this past Saturday, which I think I ran in 1:05:00 roughly.

If only the stupid Nike+iPod track system would work that I dropped thirty bucks on..

But I am loving my shoes more with every run I do!

I am going to treat myself 3 weeks prior to race day with brand new ones in the red design that I originally wanted.

So excited for this race!!

Thursday I ran 3.49 miles, Mon 4.03, and Tuesday of last week 3.54 miles.

And ok, I just mapped my run using MapMyRun.com for my 6 miler and it was really 5.39.

Sad face.

Mapquest sucks at mapping apparently.

~

Funny conversations I had yesterday over email:

Subject: legs mc gillicutty!

M: MY DIAGNOSIS..................I think leg bruising will eventually lead to neurosis...LOL!!

LEG BRUISING
Blunt trauma
Coagulopathy
Anticoagulant medications
Venous insufficiency
Bacterial septicaemia (see Blood infection)
Deep vein thrombosis
Spinal fracture
Leg injury
Thrombocytopenia
ITP
Leukaemia
Child abuse
Scurvy
Cushing syndrome
Skin fragility in the elderly
Read more at http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/symptoms/leg_bruise/causes.htm?ktrack=kcplink
Me: hahaha, this is so wrong to laugh at, but how is it that leukaemia and child abuse are even in the same category?! HAHA
so I tried kicking my guilty habit this weekend but I failed. Saturday night I was biking home from drinks with friends and thought, hm, I'm going to smoke the last half of that one cigarillo I have. Then I was disgusted afterwards and thought This is so gross that I'm smoking. So I tossed them in the trash full of paper in my room, but then thought Wait, I may want those some day..but left them in the trash. So Sunday afternoon i'm like What the hell was I thinking?! That 5 pack was $4! and I go and retrieve them. haha!

Subject: what are you doing

M: for lunch? I dont want to go eat a bunch of food cuz I am trying to detox from the fatty weekend but I wanna get the helly outta the building and walk around :O and maybe smoke some cigarellos :O JK! hahahahahaha! you are funny! I want to go yell at homeless people and throw my egg shells at cars...that is my lunch a hard boiled egg..growse...that truly is the growsest thing anyone could eat....with its little yolk that thinks it is something special cuz its in the middle! Have you heard from tech boy?

Me: It's dollar day at Salvation Army! want to gooo?? and if it sucks we can go grab cHaI'S.

M: Yes....Yes I do!!! so I guess no one likes my laugh...supposedly...thats what the girls said when they got back from lunch.... so stop with the laugh making...You are getting me in trouble. hahaha! There are many things that I would like for a dollar from thrift store.. I need perhaps half a package of lee press on nails or some of that old eye liner that I could use to write on the bathroom of the bar some things about other peoples body parts or a necklace that works better as a choking hazard than jewelry....oh the things I could buy...no but serious I live for thrift and I am just being a smart ass cuz I am antsy...like an ant!

Me: What?! really they told you that?? I love your laugh! it's better than their's! haha, jk (wait, actually I"m not) haha :) UM, I really shouldn't be spending money, but it's a dollar I guess, so hopefully that dollar doesn't add up to fifteen dollars because then I would be a sad girl :( Lee press on nails, haha! I used to use those too and thought I was so cool! (you still feel really cool though with press on nails because you look at the other girls with acrylics and think, haha, my nails wont be all f-d up when these bad boys come off! ) we'll go when ---- comes back from eating her bag of pretzels and racking up a long-distance convo with the hubster.

YEAH! (I picture like those japanese anime girls jumping in the air and shouting that, like sailor moon. I used to love that show! haha, guilty pleasure :)
M: I think that the sign in the bathroom about the mammogram should show the boob getting squished in the machine...for some reason I think that it makes it much more fun! Like woohoo! <--also with a sailor moon jump...haha what is it about japan cartoon characters...so much more attractive than others. I think kat had those videos..AWESOME.....I liked power puff girls too cuz they made boys explode by kissing them. I wish I could do that except I'd have to kiss boys first to get them to explode and that is a chore on its own...hahaha!

I know I want a pretzel everytime I walk into the breakroom and I don't even eat pretzels....

~

Weekend update:

Friday I was delirious at work due to lack of sleep all week and bodily exhaustion from throwing myself into training so as much as I wanted to call friends up to go out and such, I told myself to hit the sack at 7pm, and I slept until 7am Saturday morning. That's when I decided I felt refreshed enough to get up and go hit that 6 miler.

After my run I had some film to develop from the photo shoot I did of my roomie, then come home to quickly eat, shower, get ready, and bike to Postino's down the street for drinks and dinner with friends. In bed by 11pm.

Sunday I got up around 9am and geared up for my hike, then did an hour of weights at the gym, followed by some grocery shopping, eating, then visiting the fam. We decided to take the dogs to the dog park but lo and behold they had just watered the lawn so there were a million freakin' mosquitoes everywhere and I got like a bazillion bites all over my legs now. Sad face.

I picked up some great finds at a yard sale Saturday morning! This great long 4-shelf black wood bookcase for $20, a bag of about 45 silk scarves for $15, some leather belts, a tan men's button-up, and a b&w photo. Yay! :)

*I need to turn this blog into thrift purchases - so much good stuff I have found this year alone! I refuse to shop anywhere else now except thrifts!

~

Getting super nervous for my little lunch date!

I Feel Really Happy

For now at the moment at least. :)

I just finished the entire Chipotle veggie salad bowl I picked up for lunch and two tortillas. Insane!
I've never finished off an entire bowl and not feel stuffed.
But I hadn't eaten since like 6:30pm of yesterday when I ate a light dinner because I had decided that today for lunch it would be OK to eat a vegan cooked meal today.

As much as I try and stick to a 100% raw diet, I do believe and have learned with time that life needs to be enjoyable in all aspects. And if one day I'm somewhere and offered a vegan chocolate-chip cookie, then damn straight I will eat that cookie. I believe in indulgences. It keeps you sane. Otherwise it's chaotic madness in your brain because you want something so badly and you keep telling yourself no, which I've actually learned makes you want it even more. It's OK to say yes to things at times. Sometimes just telling myself, Yes, I can eat this, will make me no longer want it.
People usually want the forbidden. So just allow it.

Plus I was OK with eating Chipotle for lunch because not only will it get rid of my craving, but I will be working out after class this evening, so I'll have the opportunity to burn all the calories I've consumed today.

I've been feeling really creative and full of inspiration lately. More so than normal I should say at least.
Here's a list of projects I want to start or already am in the middle of:

• finish burning all my cd's into my iTunes and file them away in my new cd mass-case
• photograph for my portfolio
• submit my application to the California College of Arts, The Art Institute of Chicago, and The Academy of Art University by January (including my portfolio)
• finish painting and sanding my wooden rocking chair
• finish decorating the walls of my room
• finish all hand-washing laundry
• begin re-designing the living room
• begin spray painting the coffee table that will be moved out to the patio. Add a tile mosaic surface after painting.
• build resume
• finish reading The Town and The City by Jack Kerouac
• Finish reading STIFF: the curious lives of human cadavers by Mary Roach
• get past the introduction of and finish reading Moments of Being by Virginia Woolf
• go to Jerome to visit Cody to discuss my tattoo
• get my right tragus pierced
• buy Nike Free's and start trail running
• sign up for the PF Chang's Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon in January
• order polaroid film
• photograph and sell my vintage TOD's purse on Ebay
• buy a bike light
• apply for a second weekend job
• take out roomie's sewing machine and start a new project.
• put together a drawing folder
• organize photo folders
• gather You reminders to ship off to photographer
• buy my Built to Spill, Pepper, & Godsmack ticket!
• find a used copy of my English textbook

Whew! Quite a list! But I love seeing long lists of things to accomplish because it really motivates you to get them done within a time frame, which usually excites me to start/finish the next goal. I was up until 1:30am last night working on copying music to my iTunes. Thank you rain for cancelling my class and plans for the evening, otherwise I don't know when I would have started that project!

Turned in my first portfolio for life drawing. I was short one gesture, which I along with others had misunderstood what she exactly was requesting, so I received an entire letter grade lower. a B. I'll post photos a bit later of my work! I'm actually quite proud of how well the came out (to my standards at least).

I came across a nasty article Marie Claire magazine wrote up on 6 foodie & exercise bloggers, claiming they are unhealthy, promoting unhealthy eating through their blogs, and that they have or had an eating/mental disorder regarding food at some point. After reading the article I clicked the link to one of the bloggers to find out for myself. Here she is, Caitlin, and I actually like her blog and think her eating habits are quite healthy for her and enjoy reading about her running experiences. So thank you, I guess, Marie Claire, because your bashing made me curios and turned me on to a new blog!

Here's the Marie Claire article if you're interested.
After reading it I could tell that Marie Claire is just jealous of the healthy eating habits of regular exercisers ;)

days & days on end..

I think about writing, but then the thought just makes me lazy about it.

~

I wish I could be that Lady now:

where I am when I'm 30

after my schooling is over

I've started living my career as a photographer

I'm married

I'm where I want to be.

The road to getting there is long and at times tough and lonely.

~

I need to focus, FOCUS.

Be a better student.

~

I need my wisdom teeth pulled out.

Tooth sensitivity sucks.

~

I've been enjoying reading more than anything lately.

I want to read the entire Dr. Eliot's Harvard Classics collection.

I like feeling smart.

~

Next weekend I road trip out to California for The Black Keys back to back!

~

OH! 

and I had THE BEST shopping experience of Goodwill in my life so far!

Scored about 25 items all for $86, which I slightly felt guilty about..

but c'mon, when you buy what I bought at Goodwill, there's no way you can feel guilty about it.

Plus it was 50% off day - can't beat that!

a BCBG trench coat

Banana Republic Dress

Anne Taylor 'Barbie' Dress

Cuban leather school girl sandals

Blue retro Keds

Retro red and pink Nike's

Sequined blue dress

Straw Hat

Wool blue hat

purse

large white canvas carry-on

4 flower tea cups (British style)

Pink Pumps

grey wool skirt

a black coat

a brown 'camel hair' coat

an exact replica of my old favorite red velvet coat that was cut off of me when I was strapped down to a stretcher in the hospital after my first accident/rollover. 

So pissed they did that...

SO MUCH GOOD STUFF!!

~

Pictures will come later, I'll have to wait for the weekend to post.

~

I finally tried America's Taco Shop

had a bean burrito with some pico and avocado slices in it,

So Good, all vegan but still made me feel like total shit and made my body retreat into a downer mood.

Trying to get out of that.

I should have never got it but I caved in for some carbs after weeks of intense workouts.

But I just feel it back-fired all the progress I had made.

Oh well now I guess, I just keep trudging along with those workouts.

I've definitely lost weight since last summer and am feeling better than ever though, so that goes to prove that all those calories burned have been good for something!

Argh Argh Argh!

So tired of feeling fat and frumpy.

I just love food too much.

But that's raw food for you.

Which is nice because it's really not contributing to my weight problem.

It's actually helping me prevent from gaining weight.

It's all the weight I gained a year ago that I'm trying to get rid of.

So now it's 24hr Fitness to whip my ass back in shape!

Because sadly I've had no time for exercise.

With moving and starting up night school and trying to unpack..

Excuses, Excuses.

My self-motivation for 'at home workouts' is not working.

And doing laps at the complex pool is like swimming in warm piss water.

Not really pleasant at 5am.

~

I really want to host like a scrabble or game night!

I think that would be so much fun!

With drinks of course ;)

Hello

I've been neglecting this blog. Purposefully and unintentionally at the same time. So many things have been going on in life that come the end of the night I just want to hit the sack rather than blog.

Over the past month at work I've been pouring over other blogs regarding fashion, photography, food, vintage, and bohemian lifestyles. All are what I love in life and they have inspired me beyond anything else that has this year so far.

I've decided to go on a new direction with this blog.

Start over fresh.

Reading over past entries I see a person who I am not, and one who I dislike.

2010 has been one of the most challenging and hardest years that I can remember ever experiencing.

It has felt downhill since December 31st 2009 up until maybe about a week ago or so.

Actually, I don't even know if I can say that.

All I know is that yesterday, and today have felt like the first two days of a new life.

Cheesy and cliche, yes, I know, but this is really what it feels like.

In January I lost myself.

In February my soul died.

In April I experienced a life changing event, even if it was only temporarily, but a life changing event can cause you to lose yourself even further than how much you've already lost.

Yesterday I felt alive and repaired, a clean slate and a new life.

Many positive things have occurred also during this year, and some were results from the negative parts I experienced.

All I can say is now I know where I'm going. Who I am, who I'm going to be, and who I will not be, and who I will not surround myself with.

I've learned that cutting ties is the best thing one can do for oneself. Otherwise staying connected will hurt even more.

My heart has ached more giving and giving and barely being acknowledged.

I've learned that sometimes silence is the mend to all things.

Distance keeps me sane, let's me be who I really am.

This blog will now be about my goals, aspirations, artwork, fashion, knowledge gained, and second-hand thrift finds.

So I'll just start! As I've been very eager to start this, but also procrastinating. Here are some current goals:

*buy a sewing machine*

*order Polaroid film and start using those cameras*

*start a raised boxed garden on my patio (or at least an herb garden if there's not enough space)*

*lose those 15 lbs - I'm not setting a date because that will only cause stress. Just making it a daily work in progress.*

*begin my mini raw dessert company!*

*find a second part-time weekend-only job (one that I truly enjoy and WANT to do)*

*buy a bike for commuting*

*shop at the farmer's market as much as possible*

*reduce my grocery and food intake (save some muu-lah!)*

*find an easel*

*finish painting wooden rocking chair and sell it*

*find frames for fashion photos*

*find a good quality photo and negative film scanner*

*blog more regularly (wink)*

*surround myself with positive people and energy, eliminate those who are negative*

*use my yoga certificate*

*swim laps daily, even if that's all I do for exercise that day*

*read more often*

*make that trip to Jerome for my tattoo*

*right tragus piercing*

*apply to CCA*

*move out of state*

*be more responsible - but continue taking life not so seriously*

*stay focused on school this semester*

*take more weekend trips*

Ok, so I know that's a pretty long goal list so far, and some of those wont happen realistically until some time has passed and other goals are accomplished beforehand, but this is my motivation!

I just love freshly washed and styled hair. Feels so silky running through finga's...

Except that's not today because I went to swim laps at the pool last night and was home around 12:40am and decided to eat some watermelon rather than shower and then crashed out.

I really meant to wash it this morning, I swear, but I was so exhausted I woke up 45 minutes before I had to run out the door that I threw it up in a messy curly bun.

It's ok though, I'm doing more laps tonight.