feeling unfulfilled

Lately I feel really unfulfilled.
Although I feel I am finally accomplishing things/tasks I've been meaning to accomplish for a long time now, there is still an empty space in me.
Seeing photos of an old friend who I used to be best friends with for three years but then she decided she no longer wanted to be friends was heartbreaking.
To this day I still don't understand why she no longer wanted to be friends.
Not knowing why has left a questionable mark on who I am as a person - even though this was years ago.
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Am I a selfish person?
Do I not give enough of myself to others?
Is it wrong to want time for myself, to be alone, to work on things I enjoy rather than have to give every single day to someone else?
Is this why I can't find my other half?
Have I been unknowingly selfish all my life to pursue my interests after so long of putting them off for others?
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All I want to do is run and Run and RUN.
Running has been so calming for me.
I did 14 miles over the weekend - 4 fri, 5 sat, 5 sun.
Sunday really should have been a cross-train day but I didn't run Thurs to rest my achy leg.
My body is finally enjoying all this running, even though sometimes I hurt like hell afterwards, the freedom to run is magnificent!
I enjoy more running among the line of waiting cars backed up in traffic with the people cheering me on.
It really helps me to keep pushing along.
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Am I sabotaging myself not allowing someone to get close to my heart?
Those who I do consider allowing are only liars, or not genuinely interested.
That's why it feels better to be alone.
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I finally gathered all Your stuff this weekend and off I will ship it to the Photographer for his project.
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I'm overwhelmed. I feel I don't have enough time in my day for everything that must get done.
I wish I could skip sleep for like 4 days in a row and still function normally.
I'm juggling full-time work, marathon training, raw eating (which requires meal prep everyday), my campus classes (drawing and photography), my online class, my case, keeping up maintenance on my relationships.
Can personal-self life be even considered in this category?
I hate feeling like a bad friend, a bad student, a bad daughter, a bad employee.
I think my training and healthy eating is the only things working at keeping depression at bay for the moment.
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I wish I could be so much more than what I am now.

Disappointed

Yes, this is how I am feeling this morning.

My hair straightener is shot.
The blender I bought sucks and the smoothie I made is chunky and hard to stomach after so much.
By bulimic/anorexic ways are creeping back in.
I am having a lack of motivation for school. Only somewhat though.
I do not want to date.
Nor do I want to put my time and energy into casually dating/getting to know someone.
They just always seem to disappoint and only want to play games.
I am disappointed in my money-management. I love how I just got paid and all my money is gone already.
I hate feeling fat.

a draft post that was never posted - SURPRISE!

The day started off bad, but it's progressively gotten better...

After I had that smoke.
Yes, i've picked up smoking.
Cigars, not cigarettes mind you. I would like to stay nicotine free.
I used to smoke hookah often with some Persian friends of mine, but since we've stopped hanging out as of January of this year, I've really been craving and missing hookah.
How nice would it be if they invented a hookah cigarette? (nicotine free please!)
The other night though I stopped by CVS and felt super shady buying my first pack of cigars.
I told the attendant, who had some crazy awful gold blonde split beard going on that looked like fangs hanging off his chin, I want to smoke something, but not cigarettes. No nicotine.
So he directed me to some pure tobacco mini cigars that come from the Dominican, or maybe Cuba, I haven't really looked yet.. but I like them.
I sat on my patio that evening working on the chair I'm painting and smoked about half of one.

So this morning I had super anxiety and all I could think was, I need to get out of here to smoke!!! lunch couldn't have waited around any longer so I snuck out to catch a smokie. I puffed one on my drive home but A) felt super embarrassed to be smoking in public (WTF?!) and B) I smoked in my car with my windows partially rolled down but the smoke ended up stinking up my hair, clothes and car! Sad face.
I did some quick teeth brushing because a smokey mouth is a no-no.

How do you escape a ghost from your past?

This dark shadow hoovers and clings to my back,

Refusing to let me go.

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Everyone talks to me about You.

Like I care anymore though!

I've learned to not care and even hate Your being for shelter for myself.

It all has felt like a slap in the face,

A bitch slap who's sting has lasted for 3 years.

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Are you going to go see Their show tonight?

No I'm not going to fucking go to Their show.

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You never escape my mind regardless.

And as much as I want to and long to see you play again,

I would only be stabbing myself with a thousand deaths once more if I'm to see you again.

Especially with You're new love, even though I've been told you talk about me from time to time.

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What the fuck does this all mean??

I'm someone who believes in meanings behind events in life..

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It feels like I'll never live this down.

I feel like I've brought this all upon myself

I two-timed,

But then at times it feels life plays it's course for a reason,

And I try and be optimistic and believe in this.

But You really are the underlying conscience to every single thought that exists in my mind.

mid-day daydreams whilst working

listening to Arcade Fire - Funeral album. ~

why didn't I discover them sooner?!

- and to know that they just had a show here and I didn't go... I must admit that I am a late bloomer sometimes when it comes to discovering music.

- What I want to DO:

Blondie is just so classic glam/rock I wish I was brave enough to do this last style - I love it!

I need an appearance change, and lately peroxide blonde has been calling out to me.

I would also love to just chop it off to a pixie cut

but when I last cut my hair for my Identity Crisis it turned out awful

and just made me feel uglier.

I need to lose 10lbs otherwise short hair does not look good on me

and only makes me look heavier.

~

what makes me sad:

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running out of fruit and veggies

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people who feel they have a right to raise their voice at me

for no particular reason

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spilling tea, it seems every day at least, on myself.

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I'm in love with these people!

backyardBill

thanks to Marmunia

her blog is full of wonderful links!

I've spent the past three days pouring over these photos

how I wish I could meet some of them.

~

I hope to be able to get my camera soon.

I'm dying to start up my business.

my genres:

music, travel, portrait, and I think I do want to get back into fashion.