Sad Day

Today was a sad day.
I was so excited to get a run in after work, but while running my legs, top and bottom, were aching so badly.
Like it felt like it was in my bones. :(
I'm really worried about training for the marathon as a raw vegan.
I want to make sure I'm getting all the essential nutrients that I need for my muscles to recovery quickly.
But I kind of feel like they're not.
I know running on pavement is also not helping, but sad as it is, the actual race will be on pavement and asphalt, so I might as well train on it now I guess.
My knees ache.
My quads ache.
Am I not strong enough for this?
I hike and hit the gym often - consecutively since April.
But my legs have always been my trouble spot when it comes toning them.
So am I just using the muscles that have been hard for me to hit?
I really googled this when I got back from my run.
I was on the verge of tears because it was so frustrating to want to run but physically I couldn't.
I was even pissed off because I saw someone running in vibrams and I thought:
"what the fuck?! you are fat and you can gracefully run in these and I can't?!"
Sad day for me.
If I could, I would be running in my vibrams.
But the last time I did I wasn't able to last long, and I think I stress fractured something in my foot because I was unable to workout for the next few days.
And I really rather not risk that happening again.

Another problem is, I never feel like eating anymore.
I find I have less of an appetite right after I run, but that is when I should eat the most I know, to help repair my muscles quickly.
Unfortunately winter time sucks when it comes to raw food.
I was this close...
THIS CLOSE I tell you... to eat Chipotle tonight because I was just too exhausted to prepare a meal, even though I know I've been dying for salad lately....
Literally, dying.

It was a sad day for Kat at work also.
But yesterday was a good day because I had another lunch date :)
Except I guess that might have been awful because I just talked and talked and spill all my secrets, and then he tells me that he thinks it's cute that I do this, or that.
And he tells me that I look adorable in my outfit, that I always look nice....
And he mentioned I glow (from my vegan ways).
And I just feel myself blush and get so nervous
and really I was thinking I glow only because I'm freakin' sweating across the table from being so nervous..
But I really like that he said I glow...that's the best complement I think I've ever received really.
I really like that.
For reals.

Wow! I have eaten a TON today!
I think my metabolism is really amped from hiking Saturday and Sunday, and also hitting the gym for an 1hr 1/2 Sunday too.
I didn't go last night since it was pretty late and I was getting tired, but I'll be going tonight.
I just get really tired of having to constantly eat, hopefully it slows down a bit.

So far this is what today has looked like:

7:20am - Fresh juice: 2 celery stalks, one Persian cucumber, 2 mini Jonathon apples, one large red beet with greens, 2 Valencia oranges, one prickly pear fruit, and roughly 5 carrots.  

8:10 - 3 almond/honey/cacao/coconut balls (about the size of a quarter, but thick as a ball shape)

9:10am - bunch of grapes

*then I consumed all this with about an hour spaced in between each meal- 2 peaches, more bunch of grapes, some dried cranberries, two cups of tea in between all this, and just finished about 3 1/2 mangos.
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I hate feeling full of liquid and water but then I go pee about 30min to an hour after eating. Then it's like I'm hungry again!
So annoying.
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Had a very eventful weekend! Heard from a lost friend and worked on rebuilding that friendship (over drinks:), spend lots of time hanging out with my roommate, who I absolutely love and is so awesome! (now I'm eating raw edamame with some Himalayan salt..) we hiked both Saturday morning and then Sunday evening, and actually got stuck up on the mountain in the dark because we timed the sunset wrong..but we eventually made it out :). Then after Saturday's hike we hit up a farmer's market nearby that I've been wanting to go to for so long and of course, I went produce crazy because everything looked so beautiful and delicious! Also had a close encounter with my Canadian ex (who was super psycho!) at whole foods Sunday night when my roommate and I were shopping. Dodged him as he was coming out of the aisle and I quickly pulled her in. Very eventful!
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Just received word not too long ago that the internet at my place is up! Now I'll be able to blog more frequently and put up photos as well!

Wishin' I was Anywhere but Here..

I felt like a mess today.

Not a hot mess,

although that has been lacking significantly...

Life's just been feeling real messy.

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I listened to Slowdive on my drive to work and thought of Mike.

I put the cd in knowing I would think of Mike.

It worked.

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Everything's been feeling out of place,

this is a sign.

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I found a place, I think.

I really like Her, the space, the room

I think it can work.

$10 bucks more than what I'm paying now, but the costs overall will go down significantly given that I won't be driving 30 miles every fucking day.

And no more 51!

Laundromat is outdoors.

No more midnight spins.

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This is the result from becoming so fucking broke that maybe not being able to buy food will help me get skinny.

because I sure fucking need the help as eating only fruits and veggies and working out my ass every day/other day doesn't seem to help.

I have seen improvement

I'm just bitter over others who happily down gallons of ice cream knowing it won't sit on their Ass.

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And I've been starving it feels

but not really because I KNOW what it feels like to fucking starve.

but I just want to consume anything and everything and these intense cravings and desires build up inside driving me fucking mad but then when it comes down to actually fulfilling my fucking wishes I just can't come to shove shit in my mouth.

I'm not an emotional eater.

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Goals:

finish volunteer application for Free Arts,

get student loan to begin Yoga teacher program,

finish this Rio class with an AAAA,

MOVE.

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Marmunia is the cutest thang ever.

I wish I lived in Seattle.

Or Chicago or Oakland could work right now.

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Oakland I think.

I feel that's more Me.

Woke up at 4am this morning for a hike to find it pouring rain outside!

Finally!

We've been teased all week with rain clouds and nothing.

Opted for a run at the gym instead.

4.5 mil in 1hr and 4something minutes.

I was quite proud of myself as I found staying in the speed of 5.3 quite comfortable.

Did other toning work as well.

I did see some people who I used to consider friends, but avoided them since we no longer have anything to say to one another.

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Thursday I ran for 2.5 miles.

I was pretty tired that evening.

It was my dad's birthday and we went out to dinner before, so it was a late gym night for me that evening.

I successfully managed to stay raw that day, although at dinner my parents kept trying to offer me their Salvadorian food, but cooked food doesn't even appeal to me anymore.

And especially in these 107degree summer days, I just want cold fruit and salads.

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I'm so happy that I've finally transitioned back to my 100% raw diet. I have felt AMAZING this past week.

So much lighter, more energized.

I hate the feeling of weight in you causing gravity to pull you down, sucking your energy into the earth.

And running and exercising consistently have greatly contributed to these changes.

And Oxy-Powder is on it's way. I'm very much looking forward to this 7-day detox cleanse, I greatly need it.

My colonics and Oxy-powder were a tiny health splurge that I had to stop a while back to help pay bills and such.

It feels like a luxury having been able to order a bottle this time!

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The nomad in me needs to move again...

Total miles this week: 13

live in simplicity

Tell me this~

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why is it that people who have never experienced a particular event in their life feel they can fucking give advice on how to deal or cope with the event to someone who has or currently is experiencing the event?!

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REALLY.

You fucking know what it feels like?

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don't bitch at me about how I always 'run-away' from arguments.

I just choose not to partake in them.

I don't need your stress, negativity, and negative energy in my life.

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Why do you think I left?

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There is no normal conversation with you.

you take every opportunity you find to yell at me, because that's your way of communicating everything you feel about me.

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it's embedded in your brain for life that everything I have done, do, and will do is wrong, corrupt, or evil.

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You think you know me,

know me well.

You haven't fucking known me for the past twenty-two years.

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it's all in my head

i'm paranoid

fuck this shit.

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On a happier note, these are photos from my sunday 5am hike:

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wake up Phoenix..

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when will you get better...

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delicious raw key lime pie I made the other night, thanks to RawModel. But I forgot to take a picture of the final product.

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Ran a little over 4 miles today in an hour.