It's been a very long time since I last posted.

I lost my job. Laid-off to be exact. Found a new one, which I'll start up on Wednesday.
Moved out of my roomed apartment and moved in with my Italian.
If I have not already posted this somewhere, I'm moving to Oakland for CCA in the fall. So now that I lost my job, that kind of works out nice as we can now either move in July or August, depending on the terms of the lease we will sign.

Tonight, sadness and loneliness have inspired this post. My Italian has been upset at me as of yesterday because I ditched out on Comicon (sorry! that's just not my kind of thing!). I spent today lounging by the pool, a run, the gym, some cooking, reading, another segment of the movie I've been watching (I have to watch in pieces), and all this time, I am constantly thinking of him, waiting for him to come home. It'll be a late night, according to him, these comicon people rave and party like no other!

There are so many things I want to start, so many new projects, but I feel as if I have no desire to do anything but read. I'm trying to finish up Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. An amazing novel that was outlawed in Japan in the 60's for being too erotic (which by far is!), and not until many years after it's first release was it allowed an Americanized version for distribution. Almost finished!

Today during my daily reading of Marmunia, Aly posted this quote (hope you don't mind I borrowed):

To feel confident and successful is not natural for the artist. To feel insufficient, to experience disappointment and defeat in waiting for inspiration is the natural state of mind for an artist. As a result, praise to most artists is a little embarrassing. They cannot take credit for inspiration, for we can see perfectly, but we cannot do perfectly. Many artists live socially without disturbance to mind, but others must live the inner experience of mind, a solitary way of living. - Agnes Martin

Reading this washes sadness over my soul, yet again, as I personally feel and agree with what Agnes has to say.

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On a lighter note, I feel really glad and personally satisfied with the achievement of having some influence at work to do good in other cities.

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Excited and anxious for our move to Oakland. I have been admitted into CCA. Although I knew this in March, I am posting now because I've been a bit somewhat lazy to post.

I'm loving you more with each new day.

anxious anxious

This will be arriving in the mail for me sometime soon.

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It was created by jeweler Julie Nolan, who also has more beautiful work in her shop.

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Last night the Italian and I visited Amococo at the Mesa Arts Center. This exhibit was only constructed for a two week period display and resembled a giant bouncy castle from the outside, but a living, breathing organ from within. With the many different passages, and the colors of blue, red, and green in abundance, I felt I was traveling through a vein, waiting for the rush of blood to be pumped through. Accompanying the sculpture was soothing, hypnotic music. The only thing I felt lacking in the sounds gliding through the tunnels were whale calls.

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image via Imnop blog

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You can watch a video on it here.

happy birthday to You...

this morning made it all the more special.

both for me and you I think,.. I'm sure.

you always look so beautiful in the morning light.

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Shadows via The World Through My "Eye"

Birds Can Fly

A lot has been going on in my life since the new year, leaving less time for me to post than what I would like to have.

~A cat came and went. Back in early January I rescued a kitty off the street and named him Tom. He was abandoned by sick owners who kicked him to the curb after having a child, leaving him outdoors during the coldest part of our winter this year, barely feeding him. They claim they thought he was skin and bones because he was 'getting more exercise than normal'.

Poor guy though. He didn't last long in my care. My main goal in bringing him home was to nurse him back to health so that he could still live. I know he would have died out there on the streets. He's in indoor man, not suite out at all for them street cat thugs. I did 3 major vet trips, resulting in him having an ear infection, a respiratory infection (he lost his meow for a while!), and bad bacteria in his intestine, resulting in runny, stinky poo and constant puking. He was all better by February, but my schedule is so packed and busy that I was never home to give him enough attention! He definitely needs to live in the care of someone who is constantly home for his companionship. I finally had to surrender him to the Humane Society after asking around if anyone wanted a kitty. I really loved Tom, even with his ADD/Mental disorder problems. I could never tell if he was like that from birth, or because he was a grandpa.

~ I have my own website! It's here, nothing too exciting, nothing there YET. Thanks to my Italian, he pretty much built it for me :) Now I'm waiting on a Kickstarter project to help aid me in acquiring a digital camera to start shooting fine art in digital format, and I will be purchasing a film scanner soon to start showcasing my film work on my website! This is very exciting for me. A domain in my name.

~ I applied and sent off my papers and portfolio to CCA in San Francisco and should be hearing back from them any day now to see if I've been accepted. Crossing my fingers! I'm planning on buying a ticket to fly out there to scope out the campus. Plus it's a good opportunity for my Italian and I to start scouting the area.

~ Been busy spending time with my Italian. Life is feeling very happy and fulfilling with him in it. We spend a lot of nights wine and dining on homemade meals. I love cooking for him! Plus it's starting to get him off the habit of eating takeout for every single meal each day. Saves on money and your health!

~ Running and working out A LOT. I try and do something active for at least 30 minutes each day. It's pretty much bikini season already here in the AZ!

~ Doing tons of brainstorming for art projects. I started working 4 days instead of 5 now so that I can have an extra day to work on my work.

~Planning trips with my Italian! We're looking at SanFran, Coachella, Maui, *a surprise trip for him*, and Vegas are all in the works!

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On another note, today I took  a sanity test online, hoping to discover that I'm some crazy mental brainiac or something, only to be told that I was completely sane. How boring! Before you start the test, the website asks you all kinds of questions such as if you have a history of any type of abuse, have ever been diagnosed with a disorder, have or am currently struggling with such and such...on and on, and I couldn't answer yes to anything except that I came to this site for self-help. But I realized answering no to all those questions that I am happy now. I really feel happy. I am in a good place in my life, surrounded by good friends and people who I love and care for. Yes I have my problems and worries, but there are far greater things in life to focus on than not having enough money, not liking so much my job, ...really that's all I can think of at the moment that may give me the slightest grief!

It also got me thinking, and I actually have been desiring this for some time now, but I would like to find a group, or an organization of some sort, who focuses on tapping into a higher level, if you know what I mean. I feel the spiritual side of my life has been lacking, and I've been wanting to fill it. My Italian suggested we start attending a Lutheran church. I'd be down, but I'm not interested in joining any religion, and I'm not interested in converting to any type of christianity either. I consider myself christian, but I don't agree 100% with any christian religion. Hopefully I can find what I'm seeking out. Any suggestions? And nothing pagan or satanic please. Just more of self-spirituality at your own pace, tapping into your mental state to connect with a higher, revelatory power.



Went hiking with my Italian yesterday. However I was being grouchy and moody, everything seemed to irritate me before and after the hike. I would like to call it post-period depression. I never pms before or during my period, but at least once a month I have this really unusually off day where I am feeling so unhappy and want to quite everything I'm involved in. However you force on through what needs to get done that day, resulting in me feeling happy by the time the day is done.

image from the collection of National Galleries of Scotland

Anyways, on our descent down from the mountain i pass this beautiful couple, the man extending his hand to help the lady, who is pregnant, a good 5-6 months it looks, as she slowly descends the mountain as well. She was gorgeous, glowing, and looking ever so beautiful with a swollen belly. I couldn't help resisting and told her so. Her thank you was so happy. Every time I see pregnant bellies on woman who are at an appropriate age for pregnancy (not a teen-mama supporter), I immediately begin to think of my future pregnancies. Most times it results in feelings of wanting to live in that moment now, in this present. I am so excited for the day when I will have a protruding belly. I know it's not at all as glamorous and sometimes the media, or magazines make it out to be, but I think it is still glamorous in it's own rights of creating a human life with someone you love. To seal a little bit of me, and a little bit of You into one egg and experience it grow, to me seems to be an experience I would have a loss of words for. Not even You will know the deepest secrets only I will experience in my pregnancies. The waking moments of realism as a creation is weaved inside me. Lately I find myself day dreaming of part-Italian children. I think they would look beautiful. How I wish that someday I will have your Italian children. How I wish to tell you this.

Today I dashed home during my lunch to create a soup:

• rice noodles (pad Thai size), about 1/2 cup vegetable broth, 1 cup mushroom broth, then water to the brim, some carrots, shitake mushrooms, sweet onion, cilantro, collard greens, and pepper, dash of Himalayan salt, and some oregano.

Delicious but bland I say. I will still eat bland, food is more about eating a variety of proper nutrients to me rather than eat to enjoy amazing tastes, although that would be a perk + to healthy foods. By the end of my second bowl, I was starting to scoop up broth in my spoon when I don't know how, but the entire bowl tipped over and landed on my dress and leggings. Luckily the leggings absorbed most of the spill, but how sad! I am so clumsy, I don't know how I do it, but it is quite an embarrassment to be seen spilling things all the time.